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Written by H Wilks during 2003 and 2004.
Disclaimer: the character of Elizabeth (Lizzie) Wells belongs to me as do all the song lyrics/poems (eccept 'Crash and Burn' and 'Hold me'which were written and perfomed by Savage Garden and belong to them), however the characters of Darren Hayes and Leonie Messer do not, they belong to themselves. The events of this piece of fiction are complete untrue, and have never, and probably never will happen. The plot and story lines beloing to me and have come from my imagination. Thank you.
As I walked towards the aeroplane I began to feel nervous.
I’d never been on one before, let alone one with a flight of 15 hours.
I had to fly to San Francisco on my first ever business trip, my first time on a plane had managed to co-inside with that.
I’d never, never in 26 years, been outside of the UK, well England actually, I’d never even been to Wales!
Why I was sent all the way to San Francisco I’ll never know! I’m a lyricist, I write songs, I do add the occasional piece of music, but words are my speciality.
Anyway, all of a sudden, my agent, Josie, decided that I wasn’t making enough money freelance and that I needed to work with some top producers and directors. So, the first business trip she sends me on is to San Francisco to meet some top producer who’s name I should remember but can’t.
I’d written for a fair few people, Ronan Keating, Hear’say, S club7, that sort of thing. The type of music I really can’t stand! It’s too cheesy to listen to, but somehow I write that sort of music, usually. I write other stuff as well but its just not a popular style in England, so they don’t take it. I much prefer real music, you know the sort of thing I mean, real, calming, up beat, sort of music, like Savage Garden. Nothing too cheesy. Happy, smiley music just isn’t my thing.
Anyway, so, Josie sends me on this business trip to the USA.
The flight was Ok, very boring but ok. I mean there are only so many times you can read the in-flight magazine, the films were all really boring, they passed the time, but good they were not!
I also found I cannot sleep on planes, well not in cattle class anyway. Honestly Josie sends me away on business but does she get me a good seat? No!
I really hated that plane. Nothing to do but watch the crappy films and listen to the screaming kids! I was hoping to get something written for my meeting in two days time, I had no chance!
Eventually, we were told to re-fasten our seat belts, and we landed in San Francisco.
Boy was I glad to see the back of that plane, and the little American lad sat next to me. He must have talked none stop for 14 hours on that flight, in his American accent. It drove me mad!
I found my bags, after standing for half and hour staring at hundreds of other people’s bags as they pasted my feet.
As soon as I had all my bags, I headed for the exit, the quickest way I could find, I couldn’t stay in there any longer.
When outside I found a taxi and gave the name of my hotel to the driver.
Half an hour later we pulled up outside the most amazing hotel I’d ever seen, as soon as I caught sight of the place I immediately forgave Josie for putting me on the worst flight ever!
This place was amazing, red carpet on the marble stairs leading to the large glass doors.
As we stopped this boy, no older than 16, opened my door, dressed in a stupid looking dark green waist coat and trousers, with an even worse dark green hotel hat.
“Welcome, Miss Wells, to the Palace Hotel, San Francisco. I hope you enjoy your stay” he said with his strong American drawl.
I got out as the green guy paid my taxi fair, and retrieved my bags from the boot.
“Follow me” he said, walking up the steps towards those huge glass doors.
So I did, I followed him up the steps, through the glass doors to the reception, with its marble floors and mirrored ceiling.
He walked me up to a large wooden desk, behind which three young ladies sat, all in a similar dark green uniform.
He booked me into the hotel and then once more picked up my bags and carried them toward the lift, once again, I followed.
We got into the lift and he pushed the highest floor button, 10, as the doors began to close.
A few minutes later I was finally alone, in my huge hotel room.
I picked up my bags and carried them though to my bedroom, before walking back though to the lounge where I sat, wrote my diary before going to bed.
When I got up the next day it was about 10:30am so I ordered room service and had breakfast. By about 11:30 I was ready to go and look round the city.
I planed to walk round for a bit, look in some shops, hunt out a place to do some writing, the usual things I did when I arrived in a new city. I travelled up and down the country a lot at home, gigs and meetings here and there.
I had that day off, Josie said she’d done it because she’s nice, but I know the truth, she couldn’t get me any other flights, which means that I get stuck in San Francisco for 12 days, instead of two! But hey! I’m not complaining!
After a few hours looking around the city, I headed back to my hotel.
As I walked into the lift a man walked in behind me, talking on his mobile phone. He pushed the 10th floor button and raised his hand, as if to say ‘Hi’ to me before turning towards the doors as they closed.
He finished his conversation as we reached the top floor and the doors reopened. I walked out into the small landing heading towards my room, and got the key out of my bag.
I could feel him watching me from behind.
“Sorry about that” said the Australian accent behind me, “I’m Darren by the way” he held out his hand, which I shook
“Hi, I’m Lizzie” I replied, as I said it I looked at him. Short blonde hair, blue eyes, taller than me (which doesn’t take much!) Australian, quite sexy actually. As I looked him over again, I remembered him from somewhere, where I couldn’t quiet place, I’d remember if I’d worked with him, I’d never worked with an Australian so it wasn’t that.
Then his phone rang again and he walked into his room, waving at me as he went.
I unlocked my door and walked in.
As I have told you I had ten days off following my meeting, according to Josie, but as any writer knows you can’t just have a day off, it doesn’t work, you can’t just switch off you imagination. And while I was walking around San Francisco I’d had plenty of ideas for songs or poems, for me or the music industry.
So I got my laptop out of my bag, carried it though to the lounge, sat down and started to write.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day I got up early, well 9am, which is early by my standards! I got ready, had something to eat, picked up my laptop and left my hotel.
I walked a couple of blocks down the street to the little studio in which I was going to meet this producer.
The girl on reception was nice, she gave me directions down the corridor, to the little recording studio on the end.
As I knocked on the door I once more began to feel nervous.
The door opened and the blonde haired guy from my hotel stared back at me, I stepped back in slight surprise, I wasn’t expecting to see him!
“You must be Elizabeth Wells” he said, holding out his hand, which I shook.
“Yeah, but everyone calls me Lizzie” I replied. He stepped back letting me enter the studio.
It was a small room, straight ahead of me was a glass door, which led to the sound proof room, which could be seen through a window above the huge mixing desk. Next to me was a small blue sofa.
“I’m Darren, are you staying in my hotel?” he asked
I nodded and sat down and started to remove my laptop from its bag.
“Where’s um, um” I began, and stopped. As I couldn’t, and still can’t remember this guy’s name, I struggled with the question, luckily Darren seemed to understand what I meant.
“Oh, didn’t anyone tell you? He’s ill. He told me you were coming to meet him, I’m here anyway so he asked me to meet you instead, if that’s ok?” he paused as he waited for me to answer, I nodded, and he continued. “I’m a singer, but I write my own material, I thought we could, maybe, write something together” he paused, “I’m no good with instruments though” and then quietly, under his breath, as if I wasn’t supposed to hear, he added “That was Daniel’s job”
“So what are we doing now?” I asked
“Can I look at your material?” he asked, looking at the floor
“Yeah” I said, passing him my laptop, with the file pre-opened.
He spent a while looking through my stuff before commenting on it. “Wow!” he said, “This is amazing! How do you write like this?”
“I don’t know. It just comes like that, I suppose.” I didn’t show him the type of stuff I write for the British music industry, he didn’t seem to be the sort of person who would write, or sing that sort of stuff. I looked over him again, Darren, Daniel, who did I recognise that duo from?
“Is there a problem?” he asked.
“No, sorry” I realised I’d been staring at him, trying to place him, where I remembered him from.
The rest of the meeting past quickly and we agreed to meet again the next day.
When I got back to my hotel room I pulled my CD player and small collection of CD’s out of my bag.
I picked up the top CD box, Savage Garden – Affirmation, I love this album, by this amazing Australian duo, Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones.
That was it!
I remembered where I recognise
d Darren from now, why didn’t I realise before, it was obvious!
I put the CD in my Discman, put on my headphones and turned the music up loud. The wonderful, uplifting beats on Affirmation began to play into my ears.
I must have been so wrapped up in the music that I didn’t hear the knock at the door, because suddenly the door opened and Darren stepped into my room and I’m sat on the sofa, jumping up and down, miming along to the song.
His head appeared around the door, he must have thought I was insane. As soon as I realised someone was watching me I stopped dead, in the most ridiculous pose you’ve ever seen.
He stood there staring at me, ”You alright?” he asked
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” I said, turning off the music, which was thumping into my ears.
“What were you listening too, it looked good?” he asked
“Oh, um, just this band” I answered
“Called?”
“I can’t remember” I lied, how was I supposed to say that I was listening to him and dancing like a loon, mind you he might be impressed, or just think I was insane, but I got the impression he already thought that.
“Don’t lie,” he said, coming and sitting down on the sofa, as he sat down he picked up the CD case, “I really hate this photo” he said, putting the case on the table.
“I like it” I said. Why? Why did I say that?
“Do you?”
“Yeah, it’s nice”
“I prefer the way I am now, I just felt a bit fake in the end, you know dying my hair black all the time and stuff, it was me at the time, but now its not, I’ve changed I suppose”
“Yeah, I can see that”
“Good. So I was just wondering if we could arrange to do some writing together some time”
“Well I’m here for the next 10 days so pick a day because I’m not doing anything.”
“Ok, well we’ll sort something out then, I leave this hotel tomorrow, I have a house not far from here, so I’m going home, I’ll give you the number”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next few days pasted quickly, too quickly. Darren and I got together a couple of days and wrote some stuff for his next album. I enjoyed his company, but somehow I knew Josie had done this on purpose. She’s always telling me that I need a man in my life, and I reckon this was another one of her sad attempts to get me hooked up with a guy. The thing I don’t get though is why she’s so bothered about my love life, when her’s is equally non-existent.
The end of the week came quickly and soon I was boarding my plane back to the UK. My seat was once again in cattle class, with noisy kids, bad movies, crappy food and nothing to do.
I got home at about 1:30 p.m. and quickly went to Josie’s to pick up Stanley, my cat and the only man in my life.
We chatted for a bit and she seemed surprisingly happy that the producer was ill and that I got on well with Darren, just like I knew she would be.
I got home a while later and went straight to bed, its amazing how tried you are when you have jet-lag, especially when you’ve never had jet-lag before, its weird.
The next few weeks passed incredibly slowly, I had a sudden writer’s block that I just couldn’t get rid of. I had never had writer’s block before in my life and to suddenly have no ideas for anything was scary. I went for walks, I spent time with Stanley, I ate, I did nothing for nearly 2 months before Josie started to get worried about me. 2 months that says something doesn’t it!
Eventually, after giving her no work in 2 months, Josie called me into the office for a meeting. I hate her office and avoid going there as much as possible, which is hard when she’s your best friend.
“Liz. What’s up. You’ve written nothing for over 2 weeks now, there’s something wrong!” she said.
“2 weeks!” I shrieked, “I’ve not written a single word for over 2 months Jose, nothing since I’ve come back from San Fran.”
“You must have written something?” she asked
“Not a single word”
“Why not?” she asked again, full of questions as always
“Because I’ve got no inspiration!”
“But you’ve always got something Liz”
“Not anymore. Which is why” I stopped, I’d made this decision that morning and I wasn’t quite sure about it myself, but anything was worth a go. “I’ve decided to move to America, San Francisco to be exact”
“Your doing what!” Josie yelled, Standing up and walking around her desk, “Why?”
“Because I could write there, I had inspiration, it’s a new place, new things to see, a new life. I hate England, you know that. When I went to San Fran I found a place that was new, but where I felt comfortable.”
“Oh” was about all Josie could say, which is odd because she’s always got something to say.
“I can write for a different market out there, you’ll still be my agent, I’m not moving agents as well, not just yet anyway”
“Ok, well I hope you and Darren are happy” she said
“What has this got to do with Darren?” I yelled, she always brought someone else into everything.
“Well he’s the real reason your moving isn’t he”
“No. I’m moving because I need to get out of England, away from Dad, away from this bloody writers block”
“What’s wrong with your Dad this time, for god sake your 26. He can’t control what you do!”
“I know that, look I’m not going to explain now, I’ve got to get myself sorted out ok, I’ll see you later” And with that I left her office, and to this day I haven’t gone back.
As soon as I got back home I rang the passport office, and sat for over half an hour trying to speak to a human being not just some recorded message telling me to push the hash key now. I got Stanley an animal passport and set about trying to find an estate agent, I wasn’t going to hang around I was going and I was going sometime in the next week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Arrived in San Francisco a few days later.
This flight wasn’t as bad, no screaming kids, better movies, and nicer food.
I’d found a cheap B+B on he internet, that would take both me and Stanley, and I decided to go quickly, I really didn’t want to hang around, I knew I’d change my mind, but I also knew this was something I had to do.
I got off the flight, found a taxi and headed for my B+B.
My arrival at the B+B was nothing like the greeting I received at the last hotel. No nice green uniformed American to carry my bags or find my room.
The place was a dump! It was falling down, there was paint pealing off the outside walls and there was no one to be seen anywhere.
I was thrown from the cab, and left outside this place.
I walked towards the building, not really wanting to go inside. “It’s just a room, just somewhere to lay your head, you’ll only be here at night. You’ll find somewhere better soon” I kept telling myself, as I walked slowly to the doors.
I booked in and headed towards my room, by now it was about 5:30 pm, but it felt much, much later, and I was starving!
Now, finding food, I wish it was as easy as going to the nearest cheap restaurant, but no, it’s never that easy is it!
Finding something to eat, that you can eat, in a strange city, is very difficult.
I walked down a few blocks when I found a Starbucks, I went in and had a black coffee, nothing else. Then I kept walking, I remembered this street, Darren’s studio was here somewhere, I’d find it in the morning.
After a while I found a small shop where I bought some food before walking back to the dump they call my hotel.
The next morning I repacked my bag and left it on my bed.
The room I’d slept in was cold and damp, and I swear there was something in that bed other than me or Stanley!
I walked out of the hotel, laptop in hand, there was no way on this earth I was going to leave it in that hotel room!
I walked down the street and stopped the studio I’d met Darren in a couple of months before, his car parked right outside. I decided to go in a have a chat to the lady on reception.
It was nice to see a friendly face, some one I recognised in the city full of strangers.
After about 10 minutes I was once more walking down the street.
Even though I was in the middle or a huge, strange city, I felt somehow at ease. I knew no one but it didn’t scare me like it did at home. No, actually, I quite liked it.
Finally after 2 ½ months of nothing I had an idea, Starbucks was about ½ a block away. I walked quickly towards it, sitting down inside and pulling my laptop out of my bag.
It was quite busy in there but I didn’t care, I’d had inspiration, I’d begun to forget what it felt like to write it had been so long.
As I came out of my whirlwind of inspiration I began to feel as if someone was looking at me, a pair of eyes on the back of my neck.
There was someone behind me, watching me.
As I stared into space a blonde haired guy walked past me, and then back, as if he was taking a closer look at me.
On his third time past me he stopped
“Darren?” I asked, not quite sure
“Lizzie?” said an Australian accent back.
“Hi” we both said together
Darren sat down opposite me as I closed my laptop.
“What are you doing here? I thought you lived in England!” he asked
“Well, I did, but I haven’t written a single word since I was here last, so I’ve moved. Now I’m just looking for a place to live” I told him
“Oh, well I was going to invite you back out here anyway, because next week we’re going to start recording one of the tracks we wrote together” he told me, “and where are you staying while you look for a place of your own?”
“The dump they call a hotel down the street” I said
“You can’t stay there!” he exclaimed “Why don’t you come and stay with me while you look?”
“No, Darren. I couldn’t do that. No, I’ll be fine where I am, I think I’ve found somewhere else anyway” I lied. I couldn’t stay with Darren. No, I would find somewhere else. “Look, I’ve got to go. Might see you around yeah?” I said, bundling my laptop back into the bag.
“Yeah. Why don’t I take you for dinner tonight, show you around the city?” he asked
“I don’t know, um, I suppose” I agreed, nervously.
“Ok, where shall I pick you up?”
“Here, about 7:30. Is that ok?”
“Sounds good” he said, “see you then”
“Yeah bye” I said, walking out of Starbucks and back towards my ‘hotel’.
I got back to find Stanley sleeping in one of my suitcases, not even he wanted to sleep in that bed.
I sat down on the bed and began to search for another hotel using the Internet on my laptop.
After a while I found one nearby and booked a room, nothing could be worse than this hotel! The only problem now was that I had to find a place for Stanley.
By this time it was starting to get late, so I started to get ready.
When I was organised I packed my bag once more and put Stanley back in his pet carrier.
I left Stanley and my things on the bed, I would stay there that night and move hotels in the morning.
I left my room at about 7 and walked slowly down the street to Starbucks.
I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to meet Darren that night. I knew he’d be nice and everything but I didn’t want to depend on him. I didn’t want him to worry about me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got to Starbucks early, so I sat down and waited for him, as I waited I got more and more worried and nervous, why did he want to see me? I got that the feeling he didn’t just want to show me around San Francisco.
Darren eventually arrived and took me to dinner at what must be on of the most expensive restaurants in San Francisco.
It was beautiful. The whole place was filled with candles and slow music was being played on a piano in one corner.
We sat down and Darren asked, “How’s the new hotel?”
“Oh, well, I’ve got to stay in the old one, one more night” I told him
“You are not going back there! No way!” he exclaimed
“I’ve got to. I can’t leave Stanley”
“Who’s Stanley?” he asked, sounding worried
“My cat”
“Oh right” he laughed, “Good name”
“I like it!” defending Stanley
“Yeah, so do I. Stanley’s my middle name”
And so the night went on. Darren made me collect my stuff and stay with him the night. I grudgingly agreed, just for one night though, no longer!
So we headed back to his house on the edge of the city.
It was a beautiful big house, with white outside walls, large windows and a lush green garden, which I knew Darren hadn’t tended himself.
Inside it was much the same, white walls, simple furniture but very homely.
He showed me to a room. It was blue, with a large pine bed and un-suit bathroom.
“What should I do about Stanley?” I asked
“I don’t mind, just let him out of that thing!” he laughed
“Ok” I said, opening the door of the pet carrier, and placing it on the floor. Stanley didn’t move.
We sat together watching star wars on DVD before both retiring to our separate rooms.
“I’m always here if you need anything” he told me, as he disappeared.
I wrote for a bit before getting into bed and falling asleep.
I hate falling asleep alone, I’ve always hated it, usually I pretend there’s someone next to me that I can huddle up to, but tonight I fell asleep quite quickly.
I woke the next morning at about 7 am, very unusual, I never wake that early, ever. I got up and walked down to the kitchen to get myself a drink of water, to find Darren doing yoga in the middle of the living room floor.
Now, he is allowed to do whatever he likes in his own house, but yoga, while dressed in a T-shirt and boxers, in the middle of the living room, when you have guests in your house!
I got to the bottom of the stairs and was confronted by this blonde haired Australian doing yoga in his nightwear, I couldn’t move, I was rooted to the spot, staring.
“Can I help you?” he asked, standing up.
“Um, no, I was just getting some water. Thanks” I said, shakily.
“Ok. Do you do yoga?” he asked, as I took a sip of water
“No. I don’t” I snorted
“You should, it’s very relaxing”
“Oh, well, I might, you never know” I said, quickly before heading back up-stairs before I embarrassed myself anymore.
I got upstairs and rang the new hotel again, fully booked, they’d given someone else my room, great! How the hell could I ask Darren if he knew of anywhere else I could stay?
I got dressed and walked, slowly, back downstairs. “Darren? Darren?” I called
“Yeah, what?” said a voice from a room I hadn’t realised was there. “I’m in here”
The room was tiny, but he had managed to cram in so much stuff I was amazed! It was his own mini recording studio, complete with large mixing desk, sofa, small table, and sound room.
“Darren, um, my hotel’s all booked up, do you know of anywhere else I could stay?” I asked, nervously
“Here” he said, before turning round and scribbling something down on paper. He was sat on the sofa, still wearing only his boxers and T-shirt, guitar on his knee, and pen in hand, every now and again, he’d lean forward and scribble something on a pad on the table in front of him.
“here?” I asked
“Yeah, here. I need you close by while I’m recording our song anyway, having you here would be perfect.”
“You mean you record here?”
“No, I write here, sometimes a record some demos in here, but I record at Wallyworld, where you met me that time”
“Oh, right” I said, “ok then I’ll stay here, but not for very long, I need to find a place of my own.”
“Good” he said, before beginning to sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Wow, that was amazing, it sounds so good when you sing that song, hold on how did you get hold of that one?” I asked. The song he’d just finished was in a file on my laptop, a file I hadn’t shown Darren.
“Oh, um” he blushed.
Why? Why did he have to blush? God he looked sexy this morning!
“I wanted to find one of the songs you showed me last time I saw you, sorry, I must have come across it by accident, sorry”
“Its ok, its just that the things in that file are, well, kinda private” I told him
“It’s an amazing song though, I love it.”
“My other stuffs better, honestly” I said. The song he’d been singing was one of he ones I’d written since I’d arrived back in San Francisco. They were songs about home, about being away from the ones you love, mind you there was only one person back in England that I had loved, well one that was still alive anyway. No one was ever supposed to see those songs, but, well, he had now.
“All your stuff is amazing, but this is, well, I can’t describe it, I know exactly what you mean,” he said, putting the guitar down on a stand next to the sofa.
“Yeah, well” I said, walking back out the room. I couldn’t stay there any longer, I’d have burst into tears, exactly what I didn’t want to do in front of Darren. I walked quickly back upstairs and sat down on my bed.
“You ok?” a voice asked, from outside.
“Yeah, I’m fine” I lied, blinking back the tears in my eyes.
“You don’t sound fine” he said, walking into the room. He sat down on the bed next to me. “What’s wrong?” he asked, putting his arm round me.
I moved his arm away from me and got up. I walked to the bathroom, where I got some tissue before going and sitting back down on the bed.
“look I’m sorry about going through your personal files, I should have asked you first, I’m sorry” he said
“Its not about that, its just that,” I paused, if I started to tell him about everything I’d have to tell him the whole lot, and I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me. “I miss England” I began, “I don’t know why, because there was only one person holding me there, but I miss her. You singing that song reminded me of my home, I’ve been here 2 days and I miss London already. I’ve only ever been out of England once before, and now I just feel like I’ve left mum behind, that I left her in England” I cried,
Darren wrapped his arms around me. It surprised me how good it felt to have someone surrounding me.
“I left so many bad memories back in the UK, so many times, and horrible people. I don’t mind that, I like it that I’ve left all that behind, but I’ve left mum to and I don’t like that” I wailed
“Why couldn’t she come with you?” Darren asked.
I sat up, suddenly, and stared at him, tears streaming down my face, “Because she’s dead!” I screamed. I stood up, grabbed my coat from the back of the door, and ran down the stairs. I ran through the front door, slamming it behind me.
I didn’t get further than the end of Darren’s driveway before braking down in tears. I sat on the brick driveway, slamming my fists into the floor.
“Lizzie” I heard someone call my name. “Lizzie, its ok” I looked around, no one, I saw no one other than Darren who was running down the drive towards me, but it wasn’t him. “Lizzie, up here” I looked up, in the sky was a single cloud, the shape of my mum’s face. “I’m still with you, love, I’ll always be with you, always”
I cried again, there was no stopping me this time.
Darren ran up behind me, and sat down on the driveway, next to me.
“Hey, it’s ok, she’ll always be with you. Just because she’s not with you in person doesn’t mean she’s not looking out for you, she’ll always be with you in your heart” he told me, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me in towards him, “Its ok”, he stroked my hair, “She’s always with you”
I cried harder. He was right. She’s always with me, always. She is my guardian angel.
“Come on, lets get you back inside, the driveways not the most comfortable place to sit” he helped me up, and carried me back to the house, I couldn’t walk, I was crying to hard. “Do you want some time alone?” he asked as we got inside.
I shook my head, being alone was the last thing I wanted.
“You sure?” he asked, putting me down on the sofa
I nodded, “Stay. Please. Don’t leave me” I told him, touching his arm.
“Why would I leave you? You’re in my house” he laughed
I looked up at him, he was smiling. He had the best smile. When he smile it was like nothing else mattered, the rest of the world didn’t exist.
I smiled, “She is always with me, isn’t she”
“Yeah, she is. Always” he said, putting his arms round me again. “And so am I. You know that you’re welcome to stay here as long as you like, don’t you?”
“Darren, I can’t. I have to find a place of my own”
“Well, you can, and will, stay here until you find one. Ok?” he told me, leaning in towards me. His lips brushed past mine and I jumped.
“Darren, no, please” I said, getting up. I walked quickly back up to my room.
He couldn’t do that, I couldn’t let him get the wrong idea. Stanley was asleep on my pillow, as usual, for some reason he liked sleeping on my pillow, even when my head was still there. He used to try and sleep on my head, he soon stopped trying that though.
Darren though, I liked him, a lot, but I couldn’t get into a relationship. I wasn’t sure if I would end up staying in San Francisco, I hadn’t decided on my ‘home’ yet, I was still looking for it, that one comfortable place. The one place in the world, where you knew nothing could hurt you. Somehow I felt as if I’d been to that place, but left it. Where was it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sat down on my bed, and lay back on the pillows, careful to avoid Stanley, but as soon as I lay back he got up, jumped off the bed, and walked out the door.
As I lay there, I began to hear a voice down stairs “What am I going to do? Hey Stanley, what am I going to do? I love her so much, you know and there is nothing I can do about it”
I got up, and crept down the stairs, I found Darren sat on the sofa, with Stanley on his lap, stroking his head.
I walked through the living room, past Darren, who had his back to me, and through to the kitchen. I got myself a glass of water before heading back towards the stairs.
“You ok, Lizzie?” Darren asked, turning around to face me, still sat on the sofa.
“Yeah, fine, why wouldn’t I be?” I snapped
“Come and sit with me” Darren commanded
“No, I’ve, um, I’m kinda busy at the moment ok”
“Oh, ok” Darren said, sounding disappointed
I rushed back upstairs, collapsing on my bed, I lay face down with my head in the pillows for a while, until someone sat down on my bed.
“Lizzie, what’s wrong?” Darren asked, putting his hand on my back
“Leave me alone” I snapped back, before beginning to cry again. I hated this, I couldn’t get into a relationship with Darren, I knew how he felt, it was obvious, and I felt the same, but it just couldn’t happen.
His hand didn’t moving from my back ‘til I moved it. “I said leave me alone!” I screamed at him, I didn’t mean to, it just came out like that. I sat up, Darren still hadn’t moved.
I fell into him, a crying, shaking heap.
“Hey, what’s up. Come on, you can tell me” he said, stroking my hair.
“I’m sorry Darren, I’m sorry” I’m sobbed
“Sorry for what?” he asked, still stroking my hair
“I shouldn’t have moved here, ever since I arrived I’ve been a complete mess” I wailed
“Yes, you should of, you said yourself there was nothing holding you in England”
“Yeah, but I” I stopped
“You what?”
“I still, shouldn’t have come” I sat up, and looked at him. “Before I left I told Josie, where I was going, and she told me that the only reason I was moving was because of you, and I said it wasn’t and that it was just that I needed to get out of England, but now I’m here, and I realise that she was right after all” I said, quickly. “And you know how I said I was looking for somewhere to live, somewhere I felt safe, where nothing could hurt me. Well I was lying on my bed earlier and I realised that I’ve found that place, here”
“Here?” he asked
“Yeah, here,” I told him, putting my hand on his chest
Darren looked down at me, “Lizzie, I” he stopped, “Come with me.” He held out his hand and helped me up.
He led me out onto the landing and over to his bedroom, “Lay down” he ordered, helping me onto the bed, “Don’t move”, he told me, leaving the room.
I lay there for a few minutes, until Darren came back.
He sat down next to me, “Lizzie, I‘ve been meaning to tell you this for a while, but I haven’t got round to it, until now.” He paused, staring at me, “Lizzie, I love you. Ever since the first time I met you in that elevator a few months ago I’ve thought of nothing else” he stroked my face, I shivered as I felt goosebumps appear on my arms.
I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to reply to that. I stared at him, looking into those deep, blue eyes. I looked at the soft stubble on his face, his lips, his blonde wavy hair. I sat up and he kissed me, softly, gently. I kissed him back.
“I love you too” I told him, as we lay back on the bed.
“Then you won’t mind if I ask you something then,” he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ask me what?” I asked, slightly puzzled
He reached for his pocket, “Lizzie, I love you. Since we met that day in the elevator a few months ago I’ve thought of little else. I was so happy and surprised when I saw you in Starbucks the other day, I had to ask you if you would come back and live with me, here, you couldn’t stay in that hotel. I wasn’t expecting you to agree to come and stay here while you found somewhere else to live, but I’m so glad you did. To be honest I was about to ring Josie and ask you to come back out, so you could be here while we recorded some of the stuff that we wrote that week” he paused as he took a small box from his pocket.
“And I love you, which is why I would be so so happy if you would be my wife”
“What!” I said, still puzzled. What he had just told or asked me hadn’t quite sunk in yet. “Darren, I can’t. Look I’ve, um, I have to go. See you around” I stuttered, grabbing for my coat for the second time that day. I walked out of the house,
leaving Darren sat on his bed, and with a small box with the most beautiful ring I’d ever seen in his hand.
I walked down the driveway and down the street. I just walked, I didn’t know where I was walking to, or what I was going to do when I got there. I just needed some time to think.
What the hell was I going to do now?
I couldn’t say yes. I didn’t know him well enough. I’d known him all of 5 minutes, yet strangely it felt like I’d known him all my life. He seemed to understand how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way and how I could stop myself from doing something really stupid.
I walked for over 2 hours, just round and round, not knowing where on earth I was.
I walked towards the ocean, thinking once again about ending it all. I’d been though this before, I’d survived, but this time it was different. Before it was because then I could see my mum again, but now, now I just had to get as far way from Darren as possible, somewhere he could never come and find me.
I sat down on the beach and watched the ocean, if I was going to go, I was going to go now.
“NO!” I heard a voice screaming at me, inside my head. It was my mum’s voice. I knew I had to go back, get my stuff and leave San Francisco.
I got up and ran back, up towards the road. I followed the road back to Darren’s house.
I didn’t bother to knock when I got to the front door, instead I stormed in, ran to my room and began to throw my stuff back into my suitcase.
After all my stuff was packed I carried everything quickly downstairs. I knew Darren was watching me.
I began to chase Stanley round the room, trying to get him back into his pet carrier.
He jumped up and sat behind Darren on the sofa. Now what could I do.
I stood in front of Darren trying to get round him and to my cat.
He grabbed my wrist. “Lizzie. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you. Please don’t leave.”
I tried to shake him off. But he wouldn’t let go of me.
“Please don’t go” he repeated
I said nothing, I couldn’t. I knew if I said anything I wouldn’t be able to leave.
I tried to grab Stanley but instead I fell on top of Darren. I attempted to get up but Darren had already wrapped his arms around me.
Once again I had the feeling of being in a safe place, a safe place I didn’t want to be, not really.
I looked at him, he was crying. I wasn’t expecting that, out of everything that probably shocked me most. Watching as the amazing man, who can sing about all sorts of things from his past, was reduced to tears.
I couldn’t move, a combination of shock, warmth, happiness and sadness had just hit me all at once.
I looked at him again and looked straight into a pair of mesmerising, deep, blue eyes that looked just like the ocean.
Slowly, well it felt slow in reality it was probably no more than a few seconds. Slowly he began to move his lips towards mine.
As his silky soft lips brushed past mine fireworks exploded and trumpets sounded deep inside my head, maybe this wasn’t so bad after all.
He pulled away. As he moved away I opened my eyes to find him smiling, a happy smile.
We leant forward again, both knowing we had to hear those fireworks again.
Once more his lips brushed softly past mine, fireworks and trumpets sounded but this time I felt a shiver in my spine.
We kissed again and again. I forgot about Stanley, I forgot about leaving, all I could think about was spending as much time as possible with this amazing man.
Eventually we stopped kissing and laid together on the sofa.
The only thing now was I knew I had to tell him things I had never told anybody, not my mum, not Jose, no-one knew the things I would have to tell Darren if this was ever going to last.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think I must have fallen asleep after that because the next thing I remember is waking up in Darren’s bed.
I slowly opened my eyes, I could feel that there was someone next to me, watching me.
I turned over to find Darren propped up on one elbow staring at me. As I looked at him he smiled.
“You are beautiful, you know that” he said, before pausing for a few seconds, “I’m sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have gone though you personal files, and I shouldn’t have asked you that either. I’m sorry”
“It’s ok” I smiled, stroking the day old stubble on his face.
He kissed my again, a gentle, loving kiss.
“Darren” I asked, after he’d pulled away.
“Yes” he said, fiddling with my hair.
“Darren, there’s a lot about me you don’t know, but I have to tell you,” I paused, “I‘ve never been close enough to anyone to tell them any of this stuff” tears began to form in my eyes.
“It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me, just say when you’re ready. I’m not going to judge you on your past, I love you for who you are now” he told me, wiping my tears away with his thumb.
I got up and walked to the window, the sea below looked beautiful this morning.
“I do Darren, if this is ever going to work I do”
He got up and walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
I looked up at the sky, there was a single cloud floating high above.
“You know I told you that my mum
Darren nodded
“10 years ago today. I was 16, she was coming to pick me up from the cinema with my friends, she was in a car accident, I never got to say goodbye” I paused, blinking back the tears, I had to go on. “My parents had divorced 3 years previous, my dad remarried, he didn’t even come to the funeral.” There was no stopping me now, I cried, big salty wet tears that shook my body.
Darren held me close. I had that feeling of being in a safe place once more, this time I was happy to be there.
“It’s ok. Everything’s ok” he told me. “You don’t have to tell me anymore, just tell me when your ready”
I continued to cry, Darren continued to hold me.
Eventually I calmed down, Darren put his hands on my shoulders and looking directly into my eyes, “it’s ok”
I nodded
“Do you want some breakfast?” he asked
I shook my head, and slowly leaned forwards, kissing him gently on the lips. As I pulled back I felt the tears build back up in my eyes. I grabbed Darren, I needed him to hold me again. I needed to feel safe.
He walked me back to the bed and sat down next to me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked
I said nothing, I stared back at him, looking into those beautiful eyes of his.
I’d not known him very long yet I’d fallen for him so fast. This had never happened to me before, and that kiss, I’d never kissed anyone like that before.
“Darren, I’m, I’m” I began, I knew this was going to sound stupid, I’m 26 for heavens sake! “I’ve, I’ve never” I paused again, how would Darren think of me after this? “I’ve never been in a relationship before.” There, I said it.
I saw him take a step back, “What do you mean?” he asked
“You know what I mean Darren” I said
“You mean you’re a, you’ve never” he stopped, I shook my head.
he sat silent for a minute.
“Silly isn’t it” I said, “I’m 26 and I have never been in a relationship with anyone”
“This doesn’t change anything you know” he told me, “I still love you. If you don’t feel ready to, we don’t have to”
“Don’t you see Darren. I do want to, I just” I paused, this really was going to sound stupid, “I don’t know how!” I screamed, I didn’t mean to, it’s just the way it came out.
He cuddled me, holding me close again.
“Its ok” he said.
Darren has this amazing comforting voice and when he says everything’s going to be all right, or that it’s ok, you just know it is, or will be.
We got up soon after that, Darren made us some breakfast and we sat down on the sofa together to eat.
The day was spent talking about our pasts and stuff, Darren did most of the talking.
After lunch though I needed sometime to myself. I walked out and down to the beach. I had no shoes on and the sand ran through my toes. I walked along the beach to a bit before coming to a large rock that stuck out towards the sea, the tide was quite a way out so I walked round the rock, this small section of beach was just as deserted as the rest. I sat down on the sand and looked out to sea.
As I sat I remembered my mum. I’d done this every year since she died, and this year would, I decided, be the last. Now it was a whole decade since her death it was time to move on, she would always be with me, I didn’t need to go though this every year.
After about an hour sat on the beach the sea began to wash up against the big rock, if I didn’t go back round now I’d be stuck.
I got up and walked back to Darren’s house.
That night I sat on the sofa with Darren going though an old photo album I’d found when I unpacked. It contained old photos of mum and dad when they were together and mum was alive, as well as pictures of me when I was little.
I’d enjoyed telling Darren about the time when we’d done this as a family, or been to that party where dad got so drunk he’d kissed another guy, or whatever.
Soon though it was time to go to bed.
“Where do you want to sleep?” he asked, getting up
I said nothing, instead I just looked at him, “you won’t try anything though, will you” I asked, nervously
“Not if you don’t want me to no. Look, I know this must be hard for you, but I love you and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you” he said, knelling down in front of me.
I looked at him, and reached out and touched his face. His skin was so soft. Slowly and nervously I got up and followed Darren into his bedroom. We got changed and Darren climbed into bed.
I just stood, staring at the space on the bed where I wanted and needed to be but somehow I just couldn’t quite get there.
“You don’t have to if you don’t feel you can” Darren said
I shook my head “I do Darren”
I took a few tiny steps towards the bed, looking at Darren the whole time. I banged my knees on the edge of the bed.
I have to do this, I thought, I really have to do this.
Slowly I climbed into the bed next to Darren but away from him. As we lay together I moved slowly closer to him. Soon I was lying next to him, my body touching his.
He was warm, I lay my head against his shoulder.
“that wasn’t so bad now was it” he said
I shook my head
He kissed me, “I’d never, ever, do anything you didn’t want me to, I love you, we haven’t known each other that long but somehow this just feels right. I know that when the time is right you’ll be mine forever, and I know that when you feel that you are ready I’m going to give you the best night of your life”
I nodded, laying back on the pillows, I snuggled in towards Darren and fell asleep.
When I woke the next morning the bed was empty, Darren had gone. I lay for a few minutes before getting up.
I went down to the kitchen, as I past through the living room I saw Darren curled up on the sofa, asleep.
I kept walking, I got a glass of water and went back upstairs, I needed to write today, I’d not written a word for a few days.
As I walked back past Darren I looked at him, sleeping on the sofa. Why?
I wrote for a couple of hours that morning, and by the time I went back down stairs to the living room Darren was nowhere to be seen.
I sat watching TV for a while before I heard someone come in the front door. It clicked shut and Darren walked into the living room carrying 12 roses.
He walked round the sofa and placed the roses in the vase on the table and sat down next to me.
“Why were you sleeping on the sofa when I came down this morning?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.
“I needed to think, I” he stopped, and stared out the window, “I realised the I can’t keep any of the promises I made yesterday”
“What promises?”
“The one I made when I said that I’d never do anything you didn’t want me to and that when you are ready I’m going to give you the best night of your life”
“Why not?” I asked
“Because I’m never going to be here am I” he screamed “when I leave your not going to want me to, and I’m never going to be able to give you the best night of your life, am I?”
“Darren, calm down” I said, softly, placing my hand on his shoulder.
“I love you so much, but now I can’t do this, no matter how hard I want it”
“Why not, why don’t you think this is going to work?”
“because you can’t travel with me, and I’m never here, I’m only here when I’m recording, I have another house in London, I move back there when I’m promoting. You said that you couldn’t write in London, you can write here. I know what you mean, I can’t write in London either.”
“Darren, I can write anywhere if I have ideas, but I need inspiration first, you should know that. Why can’t I travel with you?”
Darren looked at me. I could feel his eyes, hot like flame, looking me up and down. After a few minutes he got up and walked away. I followed him.
He walked down to the beach, and along to the exact same stop I’d sat the day before.
He didn’t know I’d followed him down here, he hadn’t seen me.
I watched as he sat down on the rock, drew his knees in towards him and wrap his arms around them. He began to cry.
All I wanted was to go and cuddle him, tell him everything was ok, make everything ok if I wasn’t already. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself. He didn’t know I was here and he could never find out. I turned and began to walk back towards the house.
“Lizzie” someone yelled, “Lizzie why are you here?”
I turned around to find Darren on his feet waving his arms madly, tears streaming down his face.
“This is my private place” he screamed, “no one is supposed to come here, why did you follow me!”
“I’m sorry Darren” I tried to say, but the words just wouldn’t come. I started to run towards him, tears filling my eyes, blocking my vision. I ran blindly.
“Darren! Darren” I sobbed.
“Lizzie” a soft voice said. I could feel someone or something around me. “Lizzie” it repeated
It was Darren.
I began to cry.
It had been a dream.
As I cried Darren held me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked
“What happened? You didn’t go down to the beach did you?” I asked back
“No, what makes you think that?”
“Where am I?”
“On the sofa. Lizzie, what’s happened?”
“Did we have an argument about promises?” I asked, confused
“Yes we did, and the last thing you said was ‘why can’t I travel with you’ and after that you sort of collapsed.” He told me, “I was really worried about you”
I nodded, Darren picked me up and took me up to bed.
He laid me down and pulled the covers over me. Then he kissed me and left without saying anymore.
I fell back to sleep.
I was woken a couple of hours later by Darren getting into bed next to me. I cuddled in towards him.
“You never answered my question you know” I told him
“Which one?” he laughed
“Why can’t I travel with you?”
“I thought we’d had this conversation,” he said
“We have but you didn’t answer me”
He kissed me before answering “Well, I don’t know if you could write with all the travelling. I’m in a different city nearly everyday when I’m touring and sometimes a few cities in a day if I’m doing promo.”
“I know that, I want to travel with you. My writing means a lot to me” I paused, “But you mean more” I whispered
“What was that?” he asked, smiling. He knew exactly what I’d said.
I said nothing, I just looked at him. Then slowly I kissed him.
Ever so gently, on the lips.
“I love you Darren” I told him
He kissed me, this time the kiss was passionate, very passionate.
“I love you,” I said, in between kisses.
We lay together for a while just talking about how it would work, Darren touring the world, me following, tagging along behind.
We decided that we wouldn’t keep our relationship secret, and that as soon as Darren’s new album was finished we would move to London together, to the flat he owned in the city.
“What’s this flat like then?” I asked him over breakfast the next morning
“Well, to be honest I don’t really know, I’ve only ever seen photos of it. I only brought it a few days before you arrived.”
“Where about’s in London is it?”
“Um” he said, “Now Leonie told me but I can’t remember”
“Who’s Leonie?”
“My manager, and best friend. Now where did I put the email” he said, getting up and walking round the living room. “Here we are, um, it’s in Notting Hill”
“I used to live in Notting Hill. I loved my flat, I had to leave all my stuff behind though, shame really, I loved everything in it. I sold it fully furnished to an Australian woman in the end”
“What was here name?” he asked
“I can’t remember” I thought for a minute before I remembered, “Messer. I think”
“Messer? Was she Australian?” he asked
“Yeah”
“Dark hair?”
“Yeah, is this going somewhere?”
“Yeah, what was your address?”
“4b, Notting apartments, Notting Hill, London” I told him
“Oh, my, God!” he screamed
“What?”
“I’ve brought your flat!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I couldn’t believe it, I had to go back. I couldn’t. There was no way I could go back, not to that flat. How the hell could I tell Darren!
I got up and walked back upstairs sitting down on the bed in my room, not Darren’s. I got out my laptop, I hadn’t checked my e-mails in a while.
I connected to the Internet.
15 new emails mostly junk, the normal junk everyone gets as well as emails from my father, a man who, I don’t want to see or speak to ever again. But there was a few that I wanted or needed to read, there was one however whose address I didn’t recognise but it looked important.
Dear Miss Wells
We are sorry to inform you but your agent, Josie Woodland and her company, Josie Woodland Agents PLC. Have had to close. This unfortunately means that you are no longer represented by Joise Woodland or any of her associates. We hope that this doesn’t put an end to your amazing career and we hope that you keep writing, as your songs have brought hope to thousands of people including Josie herself during her life.
Yours Sincerely
John Banks Lawyers and Solicitors
33 Park Lane, London
‘What’s happen?’ I wondered, ‘why hadn’t Joise phoned me?’ I picked up the phone and dialled her home number. All I got was a message telling me that whatever it was, wasn’t important and that Josie would get back to me.
I began to get worried, so I rang her parents.
“Hello” her mother sniffled down the phone
“Hello, Mrs Woodland, Its Lizzie here”
“Oh Lizzie, I’ve been trying to contact you but every time I ring your flat I get a message telling me that the present owner isn’t home and will not be for sometime.”
“Yeah, I’ve sold it. I’m living in San Francisco at the moment”
“Ah, when are you coming back to the UK?”
“Next week sometime I think, why?”
“No one’s told you have they” Joise’s mother sobbed
“Told me what?”
“Lizzie, You have to come back to the UK, Joise” she stopped, “She” she stopped again, I could hear her crying
“Mrs. Woodland, what’s happened?” I started to get worried
“Lizzie, she’s dead!” she began to cry hard this time
“What! Josie! Dead!”
“Yes love, she’s”
“Oh God” I screamed. Darren came running up the stairs
“We don’t know when the funeral will be yet, I will explain better when you get here. When will you be coming?”
“I don’t know!” I sobbed, “I’ll ring you back”
With that I put the phone down and collapsed, crying on the bed.
“Lizzie. What’s wrong?” Darren asked, sitting down next to me
I couldn’t speak. I quickly wrapped my arms around him, tightly, never was I going to let him go.
“Lizzie, what’s happened?” he asked, again, “Tell me Lizzie”
“Josie” I sobbed, “Dead”
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me, keeping me safe.
It took me awhile but eventually I calmed down and was able to speak.
“I’ve got to get back to London, I’ve got to say goodbye”
“I know, we’ll go together. I’ve finished the album, it’s just finishing touches now, Walter can do those, he knows what I want”
“You’ll never leave me will you” I whispered
“No. Of course I won’t” he told me, stroking my hair. “I’ve got to go and make some phone calls, do you want to stay here?”
“No, don’t go, you can’t leave me!” I screamed
“I’m only going next door to make some phone calls that’s all, I’m still here”
I nodded, curling up into a ball, and beginning to cry again.
I felt Darren get up, I couldn’t see him, I couldn’t see anything, my eyes were blurred by the tears.
“Leo, I’ve got to go to London, can you get me two plane tickets for sometime this week, as soon as possible.” He paused, as the other person spoke, “Yes, Leo, Lizzie is coming with me. She’s one of the reasons I have to get to London so quickly.” He paused again, “No, I can’t hide her from the press, she needs me, I can’t just leave her here while I travel the world. She’s been through so much, and I couldn’t do that to her.” He paused again. “I’ll explain later, just get me those tickets and ring me back”
I overheard his conversation to Leo, but how could I tell him that I couldn’t go back to my old, his, flat in London.
He’d want the biggest, nicest, room to be ours. I can’t look at that room, let alone go into it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got up and went down to the beach, it was peaceful down there.
I cried, alone, sat on a large rock.
After a while I noticed someone sit down next to me.
“Hi,” he said.
I looked up, tears streaming down my face. Darren wiped my tears and kissed my nose.
“It’ll get better you know”
I shook my head, “No” I told him, “it won’t”
“Why not?”
“It’s not just Josie, it’s moving back to London. I don’t know if I can” I sobbed, curling up into a ball.
Darren moved closer and wrapped his arms around me. “Why don’t you think you can move back to London?”
“I can move back to London, it’s just that flat”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Nothing, it’s just I can’t live there that’s all” I told him, getting out of his embrace and walking away, back towards the house.
“Lizzie, what’s happened?” he called after me.
I wasn’t going to reply.
I hadn’t told anyone about this either, no one knew what happened on that cold November night 3 years ago, and I didn’t want anyone to find out.
I got back to the house and logged back onto the Internet, I knew I’d have several emails, even though I’d checked them just hours before.
Sure enough, there were 4 new emails waiting for me, all from Dad.
I use that term, Dad, very loosely. Ok, I lived with him until I was 11, and my parents got divorced. But after that I got nothing but abuse from him. I used to see him every Saturday and we’d go out. I never had any fun when I was with him. I was forced to sit in a corner of a pub while he flirted with women. It was awful. I stopped seeing him when I was 14 because I couldn’t take it anymore.
The emails were the usual ones, he sent everyday. I’d always have a few from him. He wants to get in touch, he wants to see me again, I’ve never emailed him back, I never will.
“Lizzie? Lizzie? You here?” I heard Darren call.
I sat quiet.
A few minutes later the door opened and Darren walked over sitting on the bed next to me.
“Lizzie, you don’t have to tell me what’s happened if you don’t want to, all I need to know is that whatever it is, isn’t me”
“No, of course it’s not. No. It’s something that happened a long time ago and I don’t want to talk about it. I will eventually, just not now. I just need some time, alone.”
“You sure you want to be alone?” he asked
I nodded
“Ok, I’m just downstairs, do you want some dinner?”
I nodded again, looking back at my computer screen.
I got comfort from writing, putting my feelings down on paper. Somehow it helped me to get over what ever had happened. I’d never written about that one night before. Tonight, though, I knew I had to.
I sat for a while writing. When Darren told me that dinner was ready, I got up carrying my freshly written song in my hand, and went downstairs.
I put the song in front of Darren at the table and sat down.
I watched as he read.
When he finished he looked up.
“Lizzie” he began, “how do you write about something that deep?”
“I don’t know. You’ve done it!”
“Yeah, but” he stopped, “This is just incredible. I can’t describe how it makes me feel, just reading the words.”
We finished eating and sat down together on the sofa.
“Can you sing me that song?” he asked, suddenly
“Me, Sing? No!” I said
“Why not?” he asked
“Because I can’t sing.”
“Everyone can sing. Come on, just for me!” he said, looking sad.
“Do I really have to?”
Darren nodded, grinning at me
“Alright” I told him, beginning to sing.
You hold out your hand
Hold out to me
Say that your sorry
Come and let me be
You left me
Left me to die
Wouldn’t hold me
When I had to cry
Don’t have to say sorry
Don’t waste your breath
Cos all I need now
Is anyone
Anyone but you
You think I miss you
How wrong can you be
How could I want you
When all you did was hurt me
You left me
Left me to die
Wouldn’t hold me
When I had to cry
Don’t have to say sorry
Don’t waste your breath
Cos all I need now
Is anyone
Anyone but you
How could you leave?
And not say goodbye
Cause so much pain
And not blink an eye
I’m not missing you
I’m glad that you’re gone
But now you leave me standing
How to I carry on?
You left me
Left me to die
Wouldn’t hold me
When I had to cry
Don’t have to say sorry
Don’t waste your breath
Cos all I need now
Is anyone
Anyone
Anyone but
You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Wow!” Darren said, clapping, “You have an amazing voice”
“No.” I told him, “No I don’t”
“You do. I’m not going to argue about it, you do.”
I stayed quiet. I had to tell Darren about that night in November 3 years ago, not now but I had to sometime soon.
“Darren, I’m really tired. I think I’m going to go to bed” I told him, getting up.
“Ok, I’ll be with you soon”
I nodded and walked back upstairs.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands, she was gone! Josie had gone. Now I had no one that I cared about in England, no one.
A few minutes later Darren came upstairs.
“Where do you want to sleep tonight?” he asked
I shrugged, walking into the bathroom.
I got changed and walked back out to find Darren laid in bed, reading a book.
Slowly, not as slowly as the night before but still slowly, I climbed into bed next to him.
Tonight it was easier. I needed someone to hold me, someone being Darren. He rolled over and put his book down.
“You alright?” he asked
I shook my head, “Not really. She’s really gone hasn’t she?”
Darren nodded, and held me as I cried.
“Yes, she’s gone. She’s in a better place now, she’s with your mum. Just remember they’re both always with you, looking after you.” He said, wiping away a fresh bout of tears that were leaking from my eyes.
I nodded again.
I calmed down after a couple of hours, Darren continued to hold me.
“Darren. You know that song”
He nodded
“I wrote it about my dad” I stopped, no one knew about this, I’d covered it up, it wasn’t difficult to do, I didn’t see Josie that often at that point and there was no one else I’d see anyway.
“Carry on” he urged me
“Just over 3 years ago he, he” I paused, “Beat me up”
I was expecting myself to cry, but I didn’t.
“What?” he exclaimed, jumping up.
“Darren, calm down. That’s the reason I don’t want to move back to that flat. I’ve lived in it since then, but that room has been shut away, locked. I can’t stand even looking at the door.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did he?”
“Beat me? I don’t know, he just came to the flat, took me into my bedroom and starting hitting me, he yelled some stuff, I can’t remember what”
“Did you tell the police?”
“No” I said, looking away from him, “I couldn’t”
Now tears sprung to my eyes.
“Sorry” he said, holding me tighter
“It’s ok” I whispered
I fell asleep after that.
When I woke the next morning Darren was still lying beside me. I touched his face, his silky soft skin. He stirred slightly but did not wake.
I got up and walked downstairs.
I had a long day ahead of me, I had to find a new agent, either here or in London, and as I wasn’t going to be here much longer I decided to look here first.
I got dressed and by the time I was ready to go and I’d eaten something Darren was awake.
“Where you going?” he asked sleepily.
He looked very sexy this morning, sleep in his eyes, his hair all over the place, his voice husky.
“I’ve got to find a new agent, I need one if I’m going to continue to write for other people”
Darren nodded, rubbing his eyes. “Ok”
I walked out of the house a few minutes later and walked down to the town centre.
I met with a few producers and agents throughout the day. By the time it was 6pm I was shattered and headed home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I got back Darren was waiting for me, dressed in a black suit and tie.
“Why are you dressed like that?” I asked
“Because on our last night in San Francisco for a few months I’m taking you out for dinner.” He said, kissing my cheek, “Now, how long will it take you to get changed, our dinner reservations are for in an hour.”
“An hour and a half” I giggled
“Seriously?”
“No, give me 15 minutes.” I told him, walking towards the bathroom.
I had a shower, dressed in my long black dress, applied my make-up and headed back downstairs.
“Wow” Darren said, his jaw dropping to the floor.
“Darren, close your mouth, and let’s go”
Darren nodded, kissing me again. “You smell good” he told me, taking hold of my hand.
I giggled.
He led me out to his car, opened the door for me and closed it.
It took us a while to get to the restaurant but it was worth it. It was beautiful.
The restaurant was quiet, there was hardly anyone else there. In the centre of the room stood a grand piano surrounded by candles.
We were seated at a table in one corner, over looking the bay, the sea lapping at the sand, million dollar yachts and the sunset.
We ordered, and Darren asked me about my mum. We spent most of the night talking about her and our childhoods.
When we’d finished eating Darren took me outside and we looked over the bay.
“I used to dream of owning on of those yachts” I told him,
“Did you?”
“Yeah, I did. I hoped I’d have one some day and then I could go anywhere and dad would never find me”
“Awww, that’s sad.” He said. “My ex-band-mate has a yacht, he keeps it in Brisbane harbour”
I nodded.
“You look tired, do you want to head home?” he asked, brushing a strand of hair away from my face
I nodded again, and Darren helped me up.
When we got back I told Darren I was going to go straight to bed, I was so tired.
“Ok, I’ve got some stuff to do before tomorrow and then I’ll be with you”
I walked upstairs, got changed and climbed into bed.
I curled up into a tight ball and began to cry. I missed my mum.
After a while Darren came upstairs and got into bed next to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck.
“You ok?” he asked
I shook my head.
“Everything’s going to be ok you know” he said
I shook my head again
“We don’t have to sleep in that room if you don’t want to, I’ll block up the door if you like”
I wriggled free of his grasp, “Leave me alone” I screamed
“Lizzie, I” I cut him off
“I said leave me alone” I screamed again, louder this time, pushing him away.
He moved this time, got out of the bed, I heard him walk out the door.
I began to cry again, I needed him next to me.
It took me awhile but I calmed down, I heard someone talking. I got up and walked towards the door.
It was coming from the room next door.
Slowly I pushed the door open slightly. Darren was lying on the bed, with his back to me, talking to Stanley.
“Why Stanley? Why?” He sobbed, “She’s been through so much, and I don’t know how I can help her. Everytime I try and get near her she just pushes me away” tears began to fall from his eyes, and Stanley got up. He walked past me brushed past my legs.
Darren’s eyes followed Stanley out of the room, finally resting on me.
“I’m sorry Darren”
He turned away
“Darren, I didn’t mean to. I’m just upset I suppose”
He didn’t move
“Why do I always do this?” I asked
He still didn’t move, but I needed someone next to me so I climbed onto the bed next to him.
He stayed with his back to me, I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him in towards me.
“Lizzie” he said, “I don’t understand”
“What don’t you understand?”
“You. One minute you don’t mind me being near you and the next you’re pushing me away.”
“I’m sorry Darren. I don’t know what I want at the moment”
I tighten my embrace.
“I know that I need you though Darren, please don’t leave me”
“Now, why would I want to leave you?” he chuckled, Turning around in my arms.
That night I fell asleep in his arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We woke early the next morning, packed and called a taxi to the airport.
Darren locked the windows, his studio, and all the doors before leaving.
We sat for a few hours in the airport, drinking coffee, laughing about some of the things Darren had got up to in airports when he was in Savage Garden.
After what seemed like years our flight was called and we boarded the plane.
Darren fell asleep pretty quickly on that flight. It’s understandable when he spends so long on flights all over the world.
The flight was long and boring, not as noisy though, not in first class anyway.
We eventually touched down at Heathrow, London and got a taxi to our apartment.
Darren unlocked the door and carried our bags inside.
I couldn’t move, I was rooted to the stop. Just the thought of having to look at that door again terrified me.
“Darren” I whispered
“What?”
“Is the screen over the door?”
“Which door?” he asked
“The one on this wall?”
“Yeah, well there’s a screen, I assume that there is a door behind it”
“Ok”
I took a tiny step forwards, and another, and another, until I was standing in the doorway.
Darren was looking straight at me, “We can stay in a hotel if you’d rather,” he said
I shook my head. This was my home. Well it felt like my home, actually it was Darren’s now.
I looked across the room to the bathroom door, and scanned the wall along to my bedroom, or what used to be.
Darren stood in between the two doors, smiling encouragingly at me.
‘One more step’ I thought, ‘just one more step’
I tentatively took that one step and walked into the flat. As soon as I did though I ran into my old bedroom and threw myself on the bed.
Darren walked slowly into the room, and sat down on the bed next to me.
“Lizzie if your not comfortable here then we can move, I don’t mind”
“No, we can stay here. It’s just difficult. That’s all”
Darren left me to cry and went to make something to eat, by this time it was about 10:30pm and we hadn’t eaten for hours.
About 10 minutes later Darren came back carrying a sandwich. He ate it, got changed and climbed into bed.
I did the same.
I snuggled up to Darren. He was warm, his skin was soft, and he held me.
“Everything will be ok in the end, you’ll see” he said
I nodded, once again he was right.
“I miss mum, and Josie though.”
“I know you do, it’ll get easier, it just takes time that’s all”
“You try it. It’s not just that anyway”
“What is it honey?” he asked, sounding slightly worried
“I’m scared,” I said, snuggling in towards Darren more.
“What of?”
“Dad, I think he knows where I live”
“How?”
“I don’t know, I’ve been ex-directory for years, I changed my phone number after he attacked me, but I never moved, he’s
found my email address somehow, even when I’ve changed it several times”
Darren tightened his grip on me, holding me closer to him, keeping me feeling safe. “He can’t touch you, not while I’m here anyway”
That night I fell asleep knowing nothing could hurt me while Darren was with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was woken the next morning by a soft kiss. I opened my eyes to find Darren practically on top of me, kissing me.
“Darren!” I exclaimed, pushing him away.
“Lizzie?” he asked
“What?”
“Why can’t we?”
“Because I really don’t want to, anyway, what time is it?”
“8:30. Why?”
“Because I need to way from here by 10”
“Why?”
“Because I have to see some people?”
“On a Sunday. Sundays are all about lying in and doing nothing”
“No, it’s not” I told him, getting up.
That’s another thing I hadn’t told him about me and my life. Everyone else I’d told had run a mile and then been really mean about it. I didn’t want to be left alone again
“Can I come with you?” he asked
“No, um, it’d be better if you didn’t. I mean you can maybe next time. I just need to go alone today,” I said, walking out of the bedroom.
“Why?” he asked, following me out into the living room
“Because, I just do”
“Now, Sunday morning, what do a lot of people do on a Sunday? Hmmm” he laughed, “I know where you’re going, and I’d like to come with you”
“Darren, maybe next week, I really need to go on my own today”
“I don’t care, you need someone with you”
“No, Darren, I don’t”
I grabbed some food from the cupboard, Leo had obviously left some stuff here, and headed back into the bedroom, Darren following me the whole time.
“Darren, can I get dressed please,” I said pointing at the door.
“Um, Yeah, sorry” he blushed, leaving the room.
I got ready and left the flat at about 10.
I walked the short distance to church. When I got there I sat in my usual seat near the back.
The service was ok, all about God’s love, among other things. I enjoyed myself.
When I left the church however I needed some time to think.
I walked down the street, towards the office blocks in the centre of town.
I walked into one office block. I used to come here a lot, to look over the city and to get some inspiration. I climbed into the elevator, and pushed the button for the roof.
I walked over to the edge of the building and began scanning the skyline. From here you could see my apartment, there was a figure in the window, Darren I suppose.
I looked across the London sky again, this time when my eye’s reached the window there was no one there.
I looked around the London skyline. The office block, historic sites and hundreds or streets.
I looked down at the pavement below, the concrete street, so inviting.
I could get away from here, away from my life, back to mum, back to Josie, but that would leave Darren, I couldn’t do that.
“Lizzie! NO!” I heard him yell, something grabbed my wrist. “Don’t leave me! You can’t leave me!”
“You’ve got plenty of people,” I yelled, not meaning to, it just happened
“No. No. I don’t. I have no one” He screamed, tears running down his cheeks.
“You’re always surrounded by people, you’re a pop star, I don’t want that, I can’t take it”
“Yeah, but all any of them is bothered about is my career, and their money” he screamed, breaking down in tears. “You can’t leave me” he sobbed
I shook off his grasp, he stumbled back, sitting down on the hard concrete of the building.
I looked back scanning the city that lay at my feet, the towers, the concrete maze, the glass, the people, my home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I took a quick glance back at Darren, curled up in a ball, crying, each sobbed shaking his body.
Now I had a dilemma, Darren or get out?
I looked back at Darren, his eye clamped tightly shut, face screwed up, crying his heart out.
I couldn’t do it.
I turned and walked over to Darren, sitting down next to him, wrapping my arms around him, his arms wrapping themselves around me, he face in my hair, his warm breath on my neck.
‘Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone’
Darren sang.
We cried.
I have no idea how long we sat and cried together on that rooftop.
That night we ordered a pizza, rented a movie and curled up together on the sofa.
The rest of the week past quickly, Darren came to Josie’s funeral with me, I didn’t want him to but he did anyway.
Before long it was time for Darren to go to Australia, promoting his new album. I had a meeting with my new agent, two days after he left so we decided that I would stay in London, he would only be gone for two weeks.
I took him out to a fine Italian restaurant in the centre of town. It was small, very expensive and the food was just amazing.
“Thank you” he said, as we got out of the cab back at the flat.
“For what?” I asked
“Giving me an amazing night.” He unlocked the door and we went inside.
I had to tell him my reasons for standing on that rooftop over a week ago.
“Darren, sit down” I told him, pointing to a place on the sofa.
He sat, and I sat down away from him.
“Darren, I’m sorry about last Sunday.”
“It’s ok,” he said, looking away from me.
“I don’t know why I was up there. I just ended up there I suppose.” I paused, “I’ve thought about, and tried, to do it before. When my mum died, I just wanted to see her again, when you asked me to marry you, I just felt like I had to get away, as far away from there and you as possible, and now, I just don’t want you to leave. I’m scared”
He moved over to me.
“What of?” he asked
“I don’t know. This”
“What’s this?”
“You, this relationship. I’m going to miss you Darren” I sobbed
“I’m going to miss you to, just remember I’m always on the end of the phone.”
I nodded, burying my head in his chest.
Darren picked me up and carried me to the bed.
I think I cried myself to sleep that night, I didn’t want him to leave. I felt safe near him, I didn’t know how I was going to cope being away from him.
The next morning Darren had to leave. We got a cab to Heathrow and, after Darren had checked onto the flight, we sat in Starbucks for a few hours just talking and stuff.
Soon though Darren’s flight was called and he had to leave.
“I’m going to miss you” he told me, “I’ll ring you when I get to Sydney”
I nodded, tears in my eyes.
“I’m going to miss you” I replied.
He kissed me, before saying goodbye and walking onto the plane.
I watched it take off, taking my heart with it.
After it had left I turned round, my back against the window, and cried.
I headed home, got a take-away and sat on the sofa.
I cried myself to sleep, in a cold bed, that night.
I did nothing the next day, I wrote a bit, but there was nothing wonderful about anything I’d written.
That night, at about 8pm there was a knock on the door.
I looked through the peephole in the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Dad.
I couldn’t open the door, I didn’t know what he might do to me. No, I didn’t live here anymore, it wasn’t my house, it was Darren’s.
I walked slowly back into the bedroom and sat down on the bed.
I lay there for a while, the knocking continued, and I got more and more scared. Why was he here? What was he going to do?
I rang Darren, there was nothing else I could do, there was nothing else he could do either but I just needed to here his voice.
“Hello” Said a voice on the end of the line.
“Darren?”
“Yes sweetie, you ok?” he asked
“No, no I’m not. Darren I’m scared,” I cried, trying to stay as quiet as possible, I didn’t know if Dad was still at the door or not.
“Why are you scared love?”
“Dad. He’s at the door”
“Where are you, where about’s in the flat?”
“Bedroom” I sniffled
“Stay there, does he know that anyone’s in?”
“Don’t know”
“Stay where you are for a few hours, hopefully he’ll leave. How long has he been there?”
“About an hour”
“He’ll go soon. Look I got to go, Leo’s trying to tell me about this week, so far I’ve not caught a single word of what she’s said, I’ll speak to you soon ok honey?”
“Yeah, I’ll be ok, I just need to hear you voice I suppose”
“Me to. I love you, speak to you soon. Bye-bye”
“Bye Darren” I said, hanging up.
I think Dad left soon after that but I couldn’t be sure. I fell asleep.
The next morning I was up early. I had a meeting with my new agent, Tim, this morning and I had to look smart.
He liked my work and said that he already had some stuff lined up for me.
Darren rang me that night, well morning for him.
The following day, at about 9am, there was a knock at the door. I got up and wrapped my bathrobe around myself, then went to answer it.
It was the mailman. He handed me a parcel, I signed for it and shut the door.
The parcel was quite large. I sat down on the sofa, opened on end and slid out an object wrapped in white tissue paper.
I un-wrapped it and a video fell out, along with a small red velvet box. The label on the video read, ‘a message from D, for you’, in Darren’s messy handwriting.
I pushed the video into the machine, sat back and pushed play.
Darren’s face appeared on screen, his lovely curly, blonde hair hidden under a red hat.
“Hi Lizzie” he said, “Hope your ok, sorry to hear about your dad. I can see you got this package. I love you Lizzie, see you soon, ring me. Love you, bye-bye”
The screen went black.
I opened the little red box, on the inside on the lid three numbers were written in gold letters, 8.3.1.
Inside the box sat a beautiful gold ring.
In the top of the ring, set in the gold, were 25 tiny diamonds. On an inner ring ‘I love you’ was engraved.
I felt tears form in my eyes. It was beautiful.
I picked up the phone, working out the time difference while dialling Darren’s cell number.
“Hello, Hayes, how can I help you” said a familiar voice.
“Hiya Darren” I said
“Hey, Lizzie, how are you?”
“I’m ok, got your parcel. Thank you”
“Oh good, I didn’t think it would reach you that quick” he laughed, “Do you like it?”
“Darren, it’s beautiful. But why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you send me it?”
“What the ring?”
“Yeah”
“Aren’t I allowed to send my girlfriend a present cos I’m missing her like crazy and I’m pretty sure she’s missing me to”
“Yeah, I’m missing you, don’t know about this girlfriend though” I giggled
He laughed, “Yeah, well. Did you sleep well?”
“I did as a matter of fact.”
“Did you dream about me?”
“Nope” I laughed
“Awww. I’m upset now”
I laughed
“Anyway, I’m going to have to go honey. My room service has just arrived with my dinner and me and Leo are about to have a meeting. Speak to you later,”
“Yeah, have a good sleep”
“I will, bye honey. Love you”
“I love you, bye-bye”
With that we put the phone down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next week past slowly, Darren would ring ever night. Dad didn’t come again, but I knew he would sometime.
Finally two weeks past and Darren was on his way home.
There was a knock at the door. It couldn’t be Darren, he wasn’t even going to touch down in the UK for another 2 hours.
I looked through the peephole, once again it was Dad. Silently I walked through to the bedroom.
I laid on the bed for 2 and a half hours before the phone rang.
I let it ring three times before picking up.
“Hello, Hayes residence, how can I help you?” I said, slightly panicky
“Lizzie. I’m back in England”
“Oh, Darren, thank god its you!” I said.
“Why, who else would it be?” he asked
“Dad’s outside” I told him
“It’s Ok Lizzie. I’m going to be back soon, give me 15 minutes.”
“See you soon then”
“Yeah, I’ll sort it out honey”
“Yeah”
“Bye-bye”
“Bye”
Sure enough 15 minutes later I hear raised voices outside the door.
I got up and listened.
“Excuse me. Can I help you?” Darren asked
“Yeah, I’m looking for my daughter, Elizabeth Wells. I believe she lives here”
“I’m sorry, but I live here”
“For how long?” Dad asked
“A while now”
“Oh. Um, well if you see her can you ring me, here’s my number”
“Yeah Ok.”
“I know she’s in there you know” Dad said, surprisingly calmly
“I’m sorry sir, but I don’t believe she is”
“I’ve seen someone”
“Oh, um, well I have a cleaner see comes ever now and again, never opens the door, unless its me of course”
“Oh, well. I’ll be off then” I heard dad say.
“That would be nice” Darren chuckled opening the front door.
“Hey baby” He said, placing his bag down and coming over and wrapping his arms around me, “I missed you”
“I missed you too.”
“Do you like the ring?” he asked, spotting it on my finger.
“Darren it’s beautiful, but why?”
“You’ve asked me this already” he laughed, “Because I love you. I saw it in a shop window and knew I had to buy you it, so I did”
“How much was it?” I asked, I had to know, if it was really expensive I would make him take it back.
He tapped his nose, “That’s for me to know,” he said.
“Darren I need to know how much it cost!”
“No, you don’t. I know that if I tell you you’ll make me take it back, and I want you to have it. I have enough money, I should be able to spend at least some of it on you.”
I nodded, turning round and walking towards the kitchenette.
“You want a coffee?” I asked
I got no reply. I turned back around to find Darren crashed out, asleep, on the sofa.
I chuckled and went to get him a blanket from the cupboard.
I laid the blanket over him and kissed his nose. Then left him to sleep, I could see he was tired.
At about 7pm I rang for a pizza.
As sat down to eat it Darren began to stir. He stretched his arms and rubbed his eyes, before sitting up and looking across at me.
“Do I not get any pizza?” he asked
“Well, you were asleep. I wasn’t going to wake you, you looked so tired”
He nodded, getting up and grabbing a slice of pizza from the box.
He sat down next to me on the sofa.
“Are you coming with me around the UK?” he asked
“If you want me to”
He nodded again, “I missed you so much, I need you with me”
“I’ll come with you then” I giggled
“Good!” he said, before stuffing his face with pizza.
We sat and watched some particularly crap TV before Darren decided to go to bed.
I sat up for a while writing before I joined him.
As I curled up next to him, he wrapped his arms around me.
“I love you” he whispered
“I love you to” I told him, kissing his cheek as he fell asleep.
I lay for a while just watching Darren as he slept.
He looked so beautiful, peaceful, lying there.
I curled up and fell asleep, in a safe place once more.
The next month went well, Darren toured round the UK and Europe promoting the album, and I followed him.
I couldn’t follow him to Asia though, I had meetings with a number of different bands, solo artists, producers and record company bosses.
That couple of weeks when he was in Asia I missed him so much. I cried myself to sleep because I needed him there.
The meetings and everything went fine and Dad didn’t reappear, thank God, but I still needed him to be near me and he wasn’t. Instead he was thousands of miles away, halfway round the globe.
Those weeks pasted so slowly but eventually Darren was back in the UK.
He arrived back, late afternoon.
As he got off the plane he looked absolutely shattered. His eyes were red and puffy and his blonde hair was stuck up all over the place.
“Hello baby” he said sleepily, dropping his bag and wrapping his big strong arms around me.
“How are you?” I asked
“Tired” he yawned
“You look it” I laughed
As I drove him home he fell asleep.
We got back and I had to wake him, I didn’t want to be I had to, he couldn’t stay asleep in my car.
I gently shook him awake.
“Come on babe, we’re home” I said, softly.
He groaned slightly.
“Come on, up you get”
“Yeah, yeah” he said, getting out of the car, “who do you think you are, Leo? Honestly, nag, nag, nag. No one ever does anything but nag!”
“Yeah, well.” I said, walking towards the flat.
I unlocked the door.
Darren walked in, walked straight through to the bathroom, and locked the door.
He stayed in there over an hour, I have no idea what he was doing.
Anyway after about an hour, he came out and told me that we were going out to a restaurant for dinner.
He dressed in a black suit and I wore a long red dress.
He called a taxi and we headed for the restaurant.
He hardly said anything to me in between getting of that plane and about half way through dinner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So” he said
“Honey, what’s up, something’s troubling you” I asked
“I’m fine” he screamed, “Why doesn’t anyone do anything but nag!”
“Sorry babe, I didn’t mean it like that”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just Leo, for the past couple of weeks she’s done nothing but tell me what to do and when to do it. I can’t take it anymore”
“Babe, calm down will you. You do seem really on edge”
He went quiet.
Darren didn’t really say much again until we got home, none of his answers were more than one or two words long.
“Baby, can you just sit down on the sofa, please” he said, pointing to the place he wanted me to sit.
“Yeah, what is it?”
“Shh” he said, putting a finger over my lips.
He kneeled down in front of me and I had the strangest feeling.
“Lizzie. I missed you so much while I was away, you know that don’t you. And I’m really sorry about tonight, I didn’t mean to yell. In fact I meant to ask you something, again.” He paused, “Lizzie, I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my being. Will you do me the greatest honour of being my wife”
“Darren, um” I stopped
I could see the tears building in his eyes and I’d not even said anything yet.
“Darren, I” I stopped again.
A tear fell silently down his left cheek, I wiped it away with my thumb.
I kissed him on his nose.
“Yes, of course I will”
Darren sat for a few seconds, just taking in what I had said.
“You, you, you will” he stuttered
I nodded, before he threw his arms around me.
“Is this why you were so quiet during dinner?” I asked
He nodded, “I didn’t know what you’d say, you’ve turned me down once, why not twice”
I laughed.
“I love you” I told him.
He kissed me, pushing me back onto the sofa.
“Darren, please, not now” I said, in between kisses.
“What, why not?” he asked, sitting back up.
“Because, I, I don’t want to” I said quietly
“Why, I’m not going to hurt you”
“I just don’t want to Darren” I screamed, getting up and walking through to the bedroom.
“Lizzie, I’m sorry,” he shouted, “I didn’t mean to”
I collapsed on the bed, tears streaming down my face, I couldn’t let him do that.
“Lizzie, I’m sorry sweetie” he said, sitting down next to me.
I got up, walked into the bathroom, got changed and climbed into bed.
Darren climbed in next to me.
“I’m sorry,” he said, again
“It’s ok. I just want to wait that’s all.”
“Why?”
“Because,” I paused, “I’m scared” I whispered
“What of?”
“I don’t know. But it’s not just that, it’s what I believe as well”
“What’s that?”
“I’m a Christian, Darren. I go to church as often as I possibly can. I want to wait, alright” I said turning over and away from him.
“Alright” he agreed, “I understand now”
He curled up next to my back and fell asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I turned in his arms, watching my angel while he slept. I stroked his face, his silky skin and soft stubble.
I laid for a while just watching him sleep, before I myself fell into the land of dreams.
I woke the next morning to Darren brushing my face with his fingers. He kissed me gently before getting up.
A few minutes later he was back in bed, this time carrying a bowl full of strawberries.
“You want one?” he asked
I shook my head, still not quite awake yet.
“You sure?”
I nodded
“All the more for me then” he laughed
I curled up next to him and fell back to sleep.
I was woken again a bit later, by Darren trailing strawberries down my face.
I opened my eyes to find Darren staring at me, wearing a big cheeky grin.
“What’ve you done Darren?” I asked, sleepily
“Nothing” he giggled
“What?”
“I’ve not done anything” he giggled again
“You have, you have that ‘I’ve been a really bad boy’ look all over your face” I laughed
“I don’t have an ‘I’ve been a really bad boy face’. You know why? Cos I’m not bad, ever!”
I laughed, “Oh, right, of course Darren. What’ve you done?”
“Nothing, not really anyway.” He said, smiling.
“Right” I said, getting up. I walked into the bathroom to find the bath full strawberries.
“Darren!” I yelled, “What’s with all the strawberries?”
“I like strawberries” he replied, walking into the room, still smiling
“Do you now”
“Yup. I do”
“That’s good because that’s all your eating until they’re all gone, all 200 of them!”
“Will you help me?” he asked, sadly, the smile suddenly dropping from his face.
“No”
“Why not?”
“Because, I didn’t fill the bath with a load of them did I!”
“No” he said, now start to resemble a sad puppy.
“Awww. Do you want some breakfast?” I asked
He nodded
“Ok, grab a bowl and I’ll give you some strawberries, would you like that ‘Mr. I like strawberries’” I laughed
“You wouldn’t”
“I would,” I said, grabbing his hand and leading him out into the living room. I sat him down at the breakfast bar, got a bowl out of the cupboard and filled it with a number of strawberries from the bath.
“There’s your breakfast honey” I said, placing the bowl in front of him, “Do you want a coffee?”
He nodded sadly. What had been his idea of a joke had come back in his face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later, when Darren had eaten all the strawberries, he took me to Australia.
I met his parents, his siblings and the rest of the family.
“You ok?” he asked, one day while we were all out for lunch together.
“Yeah I’m fine” I answered
“You look upset. What’s bothering you honey?” he asked again
“Nothing, I’m fine honest. There’s nothing wrong”
He took my hand, and led me outside.
“Now, honey please tell me what’s up?” he asked, once again
“Like I said inside, there is nothing wrong ok?”
“I’m not that gullible, please tell me what’s wrong” he begged
“I just feel guilty that I can’t introduce you to my parents I suppose,” I told him.
“Why? There’s no need to be”
“Yeah, but your family are all so nice, and you have a really strong bond with them all. I feel like an outsider. I never had that with my family. All my family are either dead or evil. I can’t introduce you, or your family, to that”
“I’m sure they’re not evil”
“Oh, believe me they are. You’ve never met them”
“I met your dad”
“Yeah, on a good day by the sound of it. I was almost raped by him. I know what he’s like”
“You never told me that”
We’d begun yelling by this point.
“Well it’s not something I like to talk about alright,” I said, beginning to walk away.
“Lizzie” he called after me
“I’m going for a walk, I’ll be back later” I said turning round
“Lizzie, what about lunch”
I ignored him and continued walking
I walked around Brisbane for about 20 minutes before heading back to the restaurant.
I walked back in to find Darren surrounded by his family.
“What’s happened?” I asked
Darren looked up. He looked awful. His eyes were red and puffy and his checks were tear stained.
I took a step forward and was stopped by Peter, Darren’s older brother.
“How can you just come waltzing back in here when you hurt Darren like that” he screamed at me
“Peter, don’t speak to Lizzie like that, let her tell her side of the story” Judy said, calmly
“I don’t understand,” I said
“What do you mean you don’t understand? No one hurts my little brother like that,” Peter yelled
“I haven’t hurt him, not on purpose anyway. If I have I’m so sorry.” I said, almost in tears
Darren got up. He walked over to me, tears still falling from his eyes.
“What’s this about Darren?” I asked him
“Nothing. They think that you’ve hurt me, because you walked off like that.” He told me
“He came back in here almost in tears” Peter told us
“No, I didn’t.”
“You’re crying now,” Peter yelled
“Yeah, because I haven’t been able to tell you what’s happened, you’ve all jumped to conclusions. You’ve all been spreading gossip” he looked at me, putting his arm around my shoulders, “All the things you’ve said about Lizzie have been false. I thought my family were better than that”
“We’re sorry love. It was an accident” Judy apologised, looking straight at me.
“It’s ok Mrs. Hayes,” I said
“Please love, call me Judy, Mrs. Hayes is a bit formal”
I nodded.
“Guys, will you please all sit down. We have something we want to tell you” Darren said.
Everyone sat down. Darren sat next to me, holding my hand. We looked at each other and I nodded. I knew what he wanted to do.
“Ok, um, mum, dad, everyone. Me and Lizzie have something we want to tell you.” He began,
I smiled
“We’re going to get married”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What?” Peter screamed, “You’re going to do what?”
Darren stared at him, giving his brother the look of death.
“We’re going to get married” Darren spelled out to his brother.
“Well, guys, that’s fantastic” Robert, Darren’s father, said, getting up to hug his son, “Well done”
Everyone else congratulated us and soon we were on our way back to Darren’s parent’s house.
That night I was lying in bed, Darren by my side, when I got the worst headache I’d ever had in my life.
I was in excruciating pain. Darren held me all night, while I cried. I have never been in that much pain, ever.
The next day Darren was up early. He had a video shoot for his latest single. I, of course, went with him.
I spent most of the day sitting next to the director, an old friend of Darren’s, watching Darren from the sidelines.
Of course the director thought the romance would look so much more realistic if he was kissing me.
Darren refused. He said that he didn’t want to put me in front of a camera, he wanted to ‘retain at least some of his private life.’
The director of course took a lot of persuading.
All in all the day went well, although it was at least 5am the next morning before we left the set.
Darren had to be back in the UK for a TV show the next day so the video had to be in the can by then. Luckily it was.
We got onto the plane, ready for our long flight back to the UK, back to the rainy English weather.
The first few hours of the flight were ok. No turbulence or anything, just total boredom, crappy movies and bad food.
After we’d been on the plane about 4 hours though my head began to hurt. It was a constant pain, just behind my eyes. The sort of pain that brings you to tears it hurts that much.
We were in first class, with big seats, so I sat on Darren’s lap for awhile. He held me, helping me through the pain.
I fell asleep.
When I woke a few hours later I was still in pain.
“I’m taking you to see a doctor when we get home,” Darren said, handing me a glass of water, “This isn’t right”
I shook my head
“Where’s the pain?” he asked
I held my hand up to my eyes. “Just behind my eyes” I told him, screwing up my face in pain.
“Come here” he said, holding me close into him again.
“Everything’s ok” he whispered softly into my ear.
I closed my eyes, allowing myself to fall back to sleep.
Darren woke me a few hours later.
“Honey, honey, wake up” he said, softly, “We’re about to land in London”
I opened my eyes, and Darren picked me up, putting me down in the seat next to his. I fastened my seat belt and we landed safely in London.
We walked off the plane and collected our bags.
Darren had a car waiting to take him to the TV studios.
The driver opened the back door for us and we climbed in. As we pulled away I fell back towards Darren. The pain was still there.
“As soon as we get to the studio I’m making sure Leo rings the doctor, we can’t have you having these headaches all the time.” He said, putting an arm round me.
I nodded.
We arrived at the TV studio and Darren carried me to his dressing room.
Both he and Leonie were worried about me that day. She sat with me while Darren performed.
Usually I watch him, he knows I’m in the audience, he’s singing the song to me, not the audience, not the cameras, me.
He got off stage and was pretty hyped up. He had a shower and got dressed before calling a taxi and taking us home.
I went straight to bed. Darren joined me a while later, after watching a movie to help bring himself back down from the high of the show.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darren was to spend the next few days in London so we made an appointment to see a doctor the following day. She gave me some pills, strong painkillers I think they were. They worked, the pain went and I was fine again. I had to take them when I got up and before I went to bed though, otherwise the pain would return.
After we left the doctors surgery we went for coffee in a nearby café.
“Do you know where the nearest health club is?” he asked
“One for normal people or a posh celebrities only one?” I joked
“Don’t mind. Which ever one you joined”
“Um, I’m not a member of a health club Darren” I told him
“Then how come you’re so thin?” he asked
“Diet”
“You’re on a diet?”
“Yeah. Always”
“Oh”
I don’t eat any fat, so I’m thin!” I laughed
“Ah. So do you know where the nearest health club is?”
“Yep”
“Where?”
“Well, there’s one down the road from the flat, but it’s a right dump, there’s one just out of town for celebrities only, it’s nice there apparently, I’ve never been in. Or there are several others in our area.”
“Ok, thanks” he said, kissing me on the cheek.
”Why do you want a health club anyway?” I asked
“Yoga” he said, “I need to find a health club in London where I can go to yoga classes. You should join me”
I laughed, “You are never getting me doing yoga”
“Please honey” he said, a sad look in his eyes, “for me please”
“Why?”
“Because: its good for you, it’ll make you feel better, it’s good for posture and flexibility. Oh come on please” he begged
“There is nothing wrong with my posture or flexibility! I’ll think about it all right. No promises though”
Darren nodded eagerly. I laughed again.
“How you feeling honey?” he asked, when we got home.
“Better now thanks. No headache anyway”
“Good” he said, “Do you want anything?”
“No, not at the moment. Darren can you sit down a minute”
“Yeah, what is it sweetie?” he asked, sitting down on the sofa.
“I’m going to give up writing.”
I’d been thinking about this for a while. Today I’d decided that it was what I was definitely going to do.
“Your going to do what!”
“I’m giving up my writing Darren”
“You can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re writing is amazing.”
“But it’s not the sort of thing anyone will take. No one wants it. I have been told I am talented so many times, it doesn’t mean anything anymore. I can’t sell any of my work, so I’m giving up. No one wants it”
“I do” he whispered “You could still continue writing though, I mean, don’t give up just because no one wants it”
“I’m not going to. It’s just that, well, if I don’t sell it, then I don’t have to meet with Tim once a month, which means that I can travel with you all the time”
Darren smiled. “I’d like that”
I laughed
“And if you really want I’ll buy your music” he added
“You!”
“Yeah, I love it. The way you put words together is just amazing.”
I blushed “Really?”
“Yes really. I love it all.”
I giggled. “But then I won’t make any money, you won’t buy them”
“But you don’t need to make any money. I have enough money!” he laughed.
I smiled.
“You have a lovely smile you know” he said, “You should smile more often”
I playfully hit him and laughed
“I’m so glad your going to be my wife you know,” he said, stroking my face.
I nodded, “I know”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night Darren insisted that we phoned for Thai food for Dinner, which we sat and ate on the sofa.
At about 11pm the phone rang. I picked it up.
“Hello who’s speaking please”
“Hi, is Darren there?” said a male voice on the end of the line
“Yes, who’s calling?”
“It’s Peter” he told me
“Ok, I’ll pass you over”
I passed the phone to Darren who got up.
“Hello” he said, “Oh hi Pete. Hey it’s alright, I’m sure she understands” Darren walked over and sat on the kitchen work top. “Why? What do you mean why?” he paused, waiting for Peter to speak, he smiled at me. “Because I love her why else.” He paused again, “NO! It’s not just because I feel guilty because she’s been through so much.” His voice got quieter, almost to a whisper, “I mean I do feel sorry that she’s been through her parents getting divorced, the death of the mother and best friend, and her dad assaulting her. But I love her for who she is.” He paused, “No, its nothing about sex!” he screamed down the phone. He got up and walked through to the bedroom, leaving the door open, I could still hear him. “Hey Peter, I can’t tell you. It’s awful, no matter how much I love Lizzie, this is killing me. I had to relieve myself of that the other day in the bathroom.” He paused, “No, I’m not this is the point. She won’t, she wants to wait, and I’m prepared to do that, but it’s killing me.” He laughed, “Um, I don’t know when I’m next going to be in Australia bro’, I’ll have to ask Leonie, because I have no idea of my schedule at the moment” he waited, “Yeah, alright. Speak to you soon, bye” he put the phone down and sat down next to me on the sofa again.
“You ok?” he asked
I nodded, not quite sure about what I’d just heard.
“You look tired” he commented
“Yeah, I am. I think I might go to bed actually,” I said, wanting some time to myself.
“I think I’m going to come with you” he yawned
We both got ready and climbed into bed.
Darren wrapped his arms around me.
“Why do you love me?” I asked, moving away from him slightly
“That’s a strange question,” he said
“Just answer it”
“Ok, why does it matter?”
“I just want to know how you can love me that’s all”
“Why?”
“Just answer my original question Darren”
“Because, you’re an amazingly wonderful person who can write amazing music”
“You love me because I write music” I exclaimed
“No, well that’s one thing I love about you. If you asked me to name every reason why I love you Lizzie, we would be sat here until the middle of next year”
“So it’s not because you feel sorry for me?”
“No, well, I do. I feel really guilty that you’ve been though so much and I’ve been though nothing, yes, but that’s not the reason why I love you, no”
I nodded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You do understand why I don’t want to give myself to you before we get married don’t you?” I asked
“Yes. Why? Did you over hear my conversation with Peter?”
I nodded
“Awww, I’m sorry babe” he said, stroking my back. “I didn’t mean” he stopped
I could feel tears begin to form in my eyes.
“Hey. Look, come here” he said, holding me in that safe place once more, “I love you, Ok? And I wouldn’t do anything that would hurt you, or that you didn’t want me to do.” He told me, I could see the sincerity in his eyes.
“I’m sorry” I whispered
“You have no reason to be sorry babe, I’m sorry you over heard my conversation with Peter. You have to remember though that I understand why you don’t want to give yourself to me just yet, I understand. I know that when our relationship does become physical it will be better. I love you Lizzie. I love you for who you are. I love you because you’re an amazing person. If I lost you now I would die without you. I love you”
He wiped away the tears that were running freely down my cheeks.
“I love you Darren” I whispered, “Please don’t leave me”
“Lizzie, I could never leave you, ever” he held me close again and I fell asleep in his arms again.
When I woke the next morning Darren was propped up on one elbow staring at me.
“Did you sleep well honey?” He asked
I nodded, it was too early to talk.
“I’m going to have a shower,” he said, getting up. “There’s a car coming to pick us up from here at ten and its nine now. We need to get moving”
I turned over and fell back to sleep
“Honey, Darling”
Someone was shaking me gently
“Wake up baby. We have 10 minutes before the car arrives”
“What?” I asked sleepily
“You need to get up,” He said
“Why?” I asked, rubbing my eyes
“Because the car is going to be here in less that ten minutes and you’re not ready yet!”
“Where are we going?” I asked
“Full of questions this morning aren’t we!” he laughed, “We have to go to Italy”
“But I don’t feel like it”
“Tough. I want you to come, I have no idea how long we’re going to be there, so please get up”
I nodded, getting out of bed. I quickly washed my hair and got dressed. I rammed some food down my face while trying to stuff my make-up and wash bags into my suitcase. By this time the car had been sat outside 5 minutes and both Darren and Leonie were getting stressed.
“Lizzie, hurry up” he yelled, “We’re going to miss our flight if you don’t get a move on”
“I’m coming, I’m coming!” I told them, pushing the last bit of my toast into my mouth and picking up my suitcase.
Darren locked the front door and we all climbed into the car, which sped away towards Heathrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We got to Rome and got of the plane. We got a cab, which took us to our hotel.
Me and Darren spent the rest of the day shopping. We didn’t actually buy anything at all but it was fun, just spending time together, walking round a strange city, drinking coffee in little cafes in back streets and stuff.
We headed back to our hotel for dinner because Darren had a meeting with Leonie.
We ate dinner in our room with Leonie while her and Darren talked about the coming weeks.
Eventually she left and once more we were alone.
We were both tired so we got ready and climbed into bed.
The next day Darren had several TV shows to film. There were about 5 in all. Darren was up at 6am away from the hotel by 7am and was into hair and make-up for the first show by 7:30.
I stayed back at the hotel that day. I needed time to think, time to write. I wrote quite a lot actually, about 3 songs, and I finished about 4 that I’d been writing for ages. I emailed two of them to Tim with a note.
Hi Tim
This will be the last work I send you as I’m concentrating on travelling with Darren and I don’t feel that my work has enough of an audience to be a viable source of income.
Keep in touch
Lizzie
Darren’s last show of the day included a performance of his latest single so when he got back to the hotel at about 8pm he was hyper.
We had dinner together in our room.
Darren wanted to watch Star Wars but I was too tired, so I went to bed.
I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned for about an hour until Darren came to bed.
“You not tired anymore baby?” he asked, climbing into bed.
“Yeah, I’m shattered but I can’t sleep”
“Awww. Come here” he said, pulling me towards him.
I snuggled into his warm chest, wrapping my arms around him.
“Baby” he began, “I was asked a question about my love life earlier and I realised that there is one huge part of my history that I’ve never told you. It shouldn’t change our relationship, it was a long time ago, but I think you should know about what happened”
I nodded, not really taking in much of what he’d said
“Lizzie, listen to me babe.” He said, putting his hand under my chin, making sure I was looking at him. “Baby. I few years ago, I was married, we’re –“
I jumped, “You’re what” I screamed. I loved this man, I’d told him so much, and now I decides to tell me that he’s married!
“Calm down, we got divorced, back in ’98. Don’t panic”
“Panic!” I screeched, “This isn’t panic. This is shock!” I took a few breathes, “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“I didn’t think it was important. I knew I should tell you. I just didn’t want it to affect our relationship.”
“Why did it end?” I asked, nervously
He looked away from me. “We fell in love to young, we did have time to get to know ourselves. We didn’t communicate properly with each other, it sort of fell apart. I got home one day and my stuff was all packed, my life in one suitcase”
I could see the pain in his eyes.
“I’m sorry babe,” I said, stroking his back
“It’s ok, it was a long time ago”
I snuggled back into him and he fell asleep.
I watched him sleep for a while before I fell asleep to.
We got a plane the next morning to Sydney, Australia. Darren had some promo to do there.
We got onto the plane and Darren fell asleep almost immediately so I spent the flight talking to Leonie.
“I’ve not seen Darren this happy in ages” she said, about half an hour into the flight. “He’s been sort of down since the break-up. I’m just glad he’s found someone who understands him, and the way he lives you know”
I nodded.
“It’s so hard for him, finding a girlfriend and all that, he just has no time, he’s never in one place.” She continued
“Yeah, I know. He’s helped me so much. I can talk to Darren about anything, I’ve never been able to do that with anyone before, not ever mum when she was alive. I suppose I’ve come to depend on him, but you know, I don’t care, I love him so much, and I know he loves me to” I told her, I could feel the tears building behind my eyes, not sad tears though, happy tears. “I understand how hard it is to find someone normally, without travelling all over the world. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like for Darren”
“How did you two meet then, I know I wasn’t with Darren at the time” she asked
“My agent, my best friend, Josie, sent me to San Francisco on business. I had to meet with Darren’s producer, but he was ill, so I met Darren instead.”
“Ah, good thing she sent you on that trip then”
I nodded, “I hate flying though. I think that’s the one thing I don’t like about travelling with Darren is all the flying. I don’t know what it is I just don’t like it.”
Leonie nodded, “I don’t like flying either. You get used to it though when you fly as often as we do”
“Yeah. I see Darren’s got this flying thing off to a tee. Get on the plane, fall asleep” I laughed
“Yeah, he has to though, usually that is the only time he might have to sleep between promo, or TV shows or whatever. So when he can take his time and talk on a flight, he doesn’t because he’s got so used to just falling asleep” she laughed, “You’ll look after him won’t you?” she said, suddenly becoming serious.
“Yes, what do you mean?” I asked, confused
“Darren has a habit of coming down with viral laryngitis at most inappropriate times”
“Oh” I said, kind of shocked. He hadn’t been ill at all since I’d been with him.
“Did he not tell you?”
“No, he’s said nothing about any illness”
“You just need to bare it in mind, especially when he’s not been performing for a few days. He’s getting better now, he doesn’t get it as often. I’ll brief you on our policy with it later” she said, before getting up and going to the bathroom.
I sat for a while, staring at Darren, my beautiful angel, as he slept. His eyes began to flicker and he awoke.
“You ok babe?” he asked, rubbing his eyes
“Yeah, did you have a good sleep?”
“I did actually. I had a dream. It was like it was looking into our future, like I was watching the rest of my life.”
“What was it like?” I asked
“Scary”
“Why?”
“I couldn’t find you. I kept looking for you but you weren’t there” a silent tear fell from on eye
“Then it’s not our future is it.” I said, “Because I’m not going anywhere and I love you, I’m never going to leave”
I wiped away the tears that were falling from his eyes.
“It’s ok babe. I’m here and this is where I’m staying” I said, wrapping my arms around him.
I held his hand and slowly he fell back to sleep, and so did I.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were woken by the captain telling us to fasten our seat belts as we were approaching Sydney.
Darren put on his cap and sunglasses before we walked off the plane and into our waiting car.
We were driven to a TV studio on the other side of the city. Darren was ushered into hair and make-up and we all sat together while he was made up.
Me and Leo made our way into the audience to wait for Darren to appear on stage. We stood together next to the stage and waited.
While we were waiting a girl came up to me, she must have been no older than 17.
“Hi, are you Darren’s girlfriend?” she asked
“Hi” I said, I shot a glance at Leo, who was nodding slightly. “Yes. Yes I am,” I said with a smile. I was more than that but we hadn’t told the press that yet.
“Oh My God!” she screamed, hugging me. “I am his biggest fan. I’ve followed him since the very beginning of Savage Garden”
I nodded, slightly shocked. I’d never met one of Darren’s fans face to face before.
“He is just so nice to everyone” she screeched, “Even when he’s ill he still says hello if he can. I can’t believe I’ve met you. I can’t wait to tell everyone back on the BBS”
“BBS?” I asked, puzzled.
I knew Darren had a huge fanbase, I wasn’t expecting to meet one particularly insane member of his followers
“Bulletin Board System. He has loads. There’s the Sony one, and the fanclub one, and there are the fan ones”
“Right” I said, kind of scared of this woman now.
Leo saved me. “Are you with friends?” she asked
“Yeah”
“Do you think they might be missing you?” Leonie asked
“Yeah. I should be getting back. Bye”
“See ya” we both replied
I watched her walk away.
“We better move before we are swamped with them.” Leo said, pulling me to the front of the stage.
“Are they all like that?” I asked
“Some of them. Most though are really great. They understand when Darren wants some space. The fans on the fanclub system are really good. They all do all sorts of radio station and MTV requests for him.” She babbled
“Ah” I said, “Right. So they’re not all that mad then”
“Yeah. Most know when to back off though. They know what to say and what not to mention”
Just then my baby walked out onto the stage, surrounded by his band and everyone.
He began to sing.
As he opened his mouth he looked straight into my eyes, singing to me, to my heart, to me. Not the audience, just me.
After a few minutes Darren had finished, everyone clapped and screamed. It was strange to hear people yelling things at him like “I love you Darren” or, from one person, “Marry me Darren”. No one knew I was there, no one knew who I was, no one knew that I did really love him and that I was going to marry him. He was mine. My Darren. Not their Darren. He was my Darren.
We walked back through to the backstage area where Darren was waiting for us.
He put his arm around my shoulders and we walked back to his dressing room.
When we got there he had a shower and we went out for Dinner. Just me and my Darren.
The restaurant was beautiful. Much nicer than eating in a hotel room which was the other option.
Darren knew the owner, who put us in a corner and pretty much left us, except when we needed to order of course. He was very helpful, nothing was too much trouble.
“Did you enjoy the performance then?” Darren asked
“Yes, very much. I love your voice."
He smiled, “I wrote that song about you, I want you to remember that. You mean so much to me, I had to write something about us.”
I smiled. I knew he’d written it about me. He’d never told me but I knew.
“I love you” he told me.
“I love you” I smiled
We sat for a few minutes staring into each other’s eyes until we managed to freak each other out.
Darren leaned in and kissed me, gently, softly. His lips like silk brushing past mine.
“I’m so looking forward spending my life with you” he said, taking hold of my hand, brushing my skin.
“Me too” I agreed
He began to fiddle with the ring on my finger.
“When are we going to get married then?” asked
“I don’t mind, anytime”
“OK, where?”
“Don’t mind as long as I’m with you”
“What about San Francisco in the summer”
I nodded, “Where we going to go on our honeymoon?”
“Ah, I’m not telling”
“Awww, please honey” I said
“No, It’s going to be a surprise”
I decided I wouldn’t push it any further, I wouldn’t get much out of him anyway.
The rest of dinner went well and soon we were heading back to the hotel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we got back to the hotel it was getting late. We sat for a while on the sofa before going to bed.
I lay for a while, my head on his chest, just think about our future.
“What you thinking about babe?” he asked, stroking my head
“Nothing much”
“No, you are. I can tell. I can see those cogs in there working away” he laughed, patting my head. “So, what were you thinking about”
“Just you”
“And?”
“Our wedding night”
“Our wedding night, really? What about our wedding night?”
“How I’m looking forward to it” I smiled, looking up to him
“I’m looking to it to honey.” He smiled back.
“I’m sorry about this Darren,” I said, looking away from him again
“Sorry about what?”
“About not want to”
“Babe, it’s fine. I want to wait if that’s what you want. I know that when we do it will be so much better”
“But the thing is I do want to” I paused, “I’m just sort of scared.” I snuggled into him
“There’s nothing to be scared of babe. I think we should wait anyway.”
“You don’t mind?”
“No honey I don’t mind, because you are going to be mine for ever and we have the rest of our lives to have sex”
I smiled
“Can I asked one thing though?”
I nodded
“What are you scared of?”
I stayed quiet for a minute, trying to put into words why I was so scared
“You know I told you about my dad?”
He nodded, gently stroking my hair.
“He tried to rape me Darren” I sobbed, tears coming from nowhere. “I’m scared, that, it’ll hurt like last time”
“But he didn’t actually rape you though did he?” Darren asked, pulling me closer to him.
“No. But he did” I sobbed, I only managed to sob out one more word but I think it got the message to Darren, “fingers!”
“He did what!” Darren screeched,
I nodded
“Oh baby. Honey, I’m so sorry,” he said, holding me tighter, holding me in that safe place. “Babe.” He said, stroking my face. “I will never hurt you like he did. I care about you so much, so much more than him.” He was almost in tears by now
I smiled weakly up at him, before closing my eyes and trying to get to sleep.
After about an hour I could feel that Darren’s breathing had slowed, he was asleep.
I lay still, eyes closed, trying to sleep for hours until I gave up all hope.
At about 5am I began to get a headache, just like the ones I’d had before, just behind my eyes.
At first the pain was bearable but slowly it increased. Eventually I cried out in pain. Waking Darren.
“What is it babe?” he asked, sleepily
“Head” I said, rubbing my head
“Another one of your headaches?”
I nodded
“Awww, baby” he said, pulling me in towards him, stroking my hair. “Did you take you painkillers before you came to bed.
I shook my head, I’d forgotten.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darren got up, walked to the bathroom and came back with the bottle of pills and a glass of water. I took the pills and lay back again Darren.
We sat together, Darren leaning again the headboard, for a while until I fell asleep.
When in the morning we had to get ready quickly we had a plane to catch in less than an hour, back to San Francisco. Darren had a few days off.
We got back home a few hours later.
Darren grabbed his yoga mat quickly before saying, “I’m going to the yoga school down the road, you coming?”
“No, Darren we’ve not even been in 10 minutes
“I know, but I really have to get some yoga done. It’s killing me.”
I nodded, as Darren walked out to his car. Before driving down into the town.
I got my bikini from my suitcase and went out to the pool. I swam a couple of lengths of the pool before I got out and sunbathed for a while.
I must have fallen asleep by the pool because the next thing I remember is being shaken by Darren.
“Lizzie” he said, shaking my shoulders, “Lizzie wake up”
I opened by eyes and was met by a pair of deep blues staring at me.
I smiled
“Did you enjoy your yoga?” I asked
“Yes thanks. You really should give it a go you know”
I nodded, “I might”
“No, you will”
I laughed, “I might”
I got up and walked back into the house.
“Where you going?” he asked, following me
“Getting a glass of water, you want one?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had one.”
“Ok”
I walked into the kitchen and got a glass, to find Darren stood at the sink, facing me.
“Yes Darren?”
“You are so beautiful you know that”
I giggled
“You are”
“Whatever Darren, can you move please?”
“No, I want you to come with me”
“Where we going?” I asked, as he grabbed my hand.
He led me down the stairs to the basement. He flicked the light switch on and the room was flooded with light.
I took a look around the room.
On the wall facing us was a huge mirror that covered the wall. The floor was wooden, like the rest of the house. On my right was a large bench, on which sat a CD player, and Darren’s laptop. In the middle of the floor were two yoga mats and on our left was a long desk.
“Come on” he said, sitting down on the left-hand mat.
I sat down on the other mat, facing Darren. “What?”
“I’m going to teach you some really basic yoga,” he said, proudly “Come on. Right I want you to sit with you lefts crossed, right.”
I sat like a school child, legs crossed, “What do I do with my arms?” I asked
“Right, put you hands, palms up on your knees”
I did as I was told
“Good. Right now, you gotta breathe” he told me
“What did you think I’m doing, holding my breath?”
“No, but you have to breathe properly.”
“What the hell are you going on about Darren?”
“Right, you gotta breathe, so you feel that you’re opening you chest”
“Right, I can do that”
“And close your eyes, concentrate on the breathing”
I nodded, closing my eyes
“Relax your shoulders, you look tense and stiff”
“I’m not”
“You are” he said, I felt him get off the mat opposite me and walk around so that he was behind me.
“Lay down on the mat” he commanded
Again I did as I was told.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He put his hands on my shoulders, straddling me.
I placed my hands on my arms and closed my eyes as he began making circling movements with his hands on my back. Slowly he moved his hands further down my back and I relaxed.
I think I must have fallen asleep because I was woken by Darren picking me up and carrying me up the two flights of stairs to the bedroom.
The next few days passed quickly and soon we were back on an aeroplane, flying around the world.
Over the next couple of weeks Darren, his band and record company decided that he should tour again. So dates began to be arranged for the following year.
I became really good friends with Leonie and Darren finally got me to do some proper yoga.
I began to plan our wedding, summer was approaching. I found a small church not far from Darren’s house. It was perfect.
The week before the wedding Darren had decided to go on a yoga retreat to Malta, so I did not see him for that week, which left me to arrange the final bits for the wedding.
Darren got back from the retreat on the Thursday, for our wedding on the Saturday. I picked him up from the airport
.
“Hey baby” he said hugging me, “I missed you” he placed a kiss on my forehead.
“I missed you to honey” I told him
“We all ready for Saturday?” he asked, climbing into the car
“Yeah, I think so”
“You’re not sure that we’re ready then?”
I laughed, “No, I think we’re ready”
“Good” he said, kissing me before driving back to our house.
That night we curled up on the sofa together.
“This is our last night together before we get married,” he said suddenly after a few minutes of silence
I nodded, “I know”
“I was thinking about you while I was away,” he said
“I should hope so to” I laughed
“Shh!” he said, putting a finger over my lips, “Listen. I was thinking, right, that we’re getting married on Saturday and we’ve not even kissed properly yet”
“What do you mean?” I asked, shifting round to look at him
“We haven’t kissed. I mean we have, but, we haven’t.”
“Honey that makes no sense”
“I know. I can’t explain.”
I laid back into his arms
“I know what you mean”
He put his chin on my shoulder, “I love you Lizzie,” he said
“I love you to honey” I said, turning back to face him, “I love you”
He smiled, pulling me into him.
We laid together, me lying on his chest for a while before going to bed.
“That’s something else” he said, “I’ve not even seen you naked yet!”
I laughed, sort of nervously. Darren seeing me naked, that last person to see me naked was, no I don’t want to think about it
“Babe, are you ok?” he asked, pulling me back into his warm embrace
I nodded, before realising that my eyes we wet, wet with tears
“This is about your dad again isn’t it”
I nodded
“It’s ok babe” he kissed the top of my head, “I love you, I’m not going to hurt you, never, I’m never ever going to hurt you babe. You have to trust me. I’m not your dad, I would never do what he did to you, what ever he did to you”
I cried
He pulled me back to sit down in his lap on the bed, then laying down so I was, once again, lying on his chest
“It’s ok baby, just cry.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I woke the next morning Darren had vanished. I got up and looked all over the house, the kitchen, the basement, his studio, the pool.
He’d gone.
I panicked. He always told me where he was going, always.
Where could he be?
I looked in the garage, his car had gone.
The day before our wedding and he’s vanished, gone without even letting me know where he’s gone.
It was then thoughts began flashing though my mind.
What have I done?
What haven’t I done?
He knows so much about my past, I trusted him.
What if he’s left me, abandoned the day before our wedding.
I sat down on the sofa, putting my head in my hands. I cried.
Where is he?
I should have done it
I shouldn’t have made him wait
I sat there for a couple of hours, crying, questioning, before realising I hadn’t checked to see if he had his phone with him.
I dried my eyes and picked up the phone.
I dialled the number, it was ringing.
The phone rang and rang.
Eventually I got his voicemail message
“I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message and I think it’s important I will get back to you, bye”
The sound of his voice set me off again, “Darren, where the hell are you” I sobbed, “Why didn’t you tell me where you were going, where are you”
I hung up, setting the phone back into its cradle and cried.
I didn’t even know why I was crying anymore.
Suddenly I became aware of the pain in my head. I hadn’t taken my pills, again.
I struggled back up the stairs and fell onto the bed, the pain in my head taking over my senses, all I could feel was the pain. I didn’t hear the phone start to ring.
Eventually I became aware of it ringing though, slowly, painfully I picked up the receiver.
“Lizzie” he said, “Lizzie is that you”
I started to cry again
“Lizzie, what’s wrong?”
“Where are you?” I sobbed
“I’m at Leonie’s. I’m sorry about this morning honey, I should have left a note of something, I should have rang you. I’ve just been so busy working out this tour schedule that I haven’t had time for a break”
“Darren, help me” I wailed
“What’s wrong babe?”
I couldn’t speak, the pain got to much.
“Lizzie, are you still there?”
“Head” I spluttered before dropping the phone and curling up on the bed, my vision blurry, my ears pounding, the pain, the pain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next thing I was aware of was someone wrapping themselves around me, holding me, stroking my hair, my face.
“It’s ok babe. I’m here”
It was Darren
“I’m sorry baby. I shouldn’t have left without telling you. I had to make arrangements for the tour before our honeymoon. I’m sorry,” he said, holding me.
“Head” I whispered
I felt Darren get up, his warmth left me. I curled up in a ball on the bed, I couldn’t open my eyes, the pain was too much.
“Here, Lizzie, baby, please, sit up” he helped me to sit up, leaning against the bed head. I felt him put a glass in my left hand and a couple of pills in the other. “Here, baby, take these. They’ll make you feel better”
I obeyed, taking the pills before falling back into his arms, my safe place.
Slowly the pain began to leave my head, I began to regain my senses. I turned my head, opening my eyes, ever so slowly, looking at Darren.
He was looking straight at me, his deep blue eyes boring holes in my soul. I could see the pain, the confusion, the worry, in those eyes.
“I’m ok now” I whispered
He nodded, not breaking eye contact with me. “I know.” he paused, “why didn’t you take your pills when you got up?” he asked
“Forgot” I said, “To busy worrying about you” I could feel the tears springing back to my eyes, “I thought you’d left me” I whispered
He pulled me back towards him, holding me close. “It’s ok, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere babe”
I nodded, I knew that.
We lay together for a while before I spoke. “Darren, could I have that T-shirt for tonight?”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t sleep without you”
He smiled down at me, “So why do you just want my T-shirt?”
“Because, while you were away it helped me sleep”
He smiled at me again, stroking his hand over my face, he kissed my forehead, “of course you can borrow my T-shirt babe”
The rest of the day was spent planning the next day and the rehearsals for the tour.
They had decided to use a soundstage at Warner Brothers Movie World on the Gold coast, Australia, where they rehearsed for the last tour.
Darren decided that we’d eat out that night. He insisted that we go to his favourite restaurant in San Francisco, over looking the bay.
We had a great night and Darren insisted that I tell him at least some of what I had planned for the wedding.
“Well” I said, “You know how at most weddings on family sits on one side of the church and the other family on the other side?”
He nodded
“Well, everyone is going to sit together, basically because everyone who’s coming is either one of your friends or is a member of your family, so one side of the church would be empty”
“Why? What about your family?” he asked, before realising what he’d said, “I’m sorry babe, I wasn’t thinking”
“It’s ok, I just have no family left”
He reached for my hand, stroking little circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. “I love you”
I smiled, “I love you to babe”
He grinned back at me.
“Where are you taking me on our honeymoon?” I asked
“Not telling, it’s a surprise” he grinned
“Oh, come on, tell me”
He shook his head, “No, you’ll have to wait and see”
We went home soon after that, I picked up my bag and Darren drove me down the road to the hotel I would be staying at.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was woken by Leonie knocking on the door the next morning. She had come over to help me get ready for the wedding in the afternoon. I rolled over and looked at the clock, 4 hours left.
Slowly I got up and answered the door.
“Good morning” she smiled, walking in, “You ready for your big day?”
“I thought that was why you were here, to help me get ready” I joked
She laughed, “Yeah. Come on. Have you showered yet this morning”
“Leonie, I’ve only just got up”
“Ok, come on. Have a shower and I’ll get everything ready out here”
I nodded. There was no point in asking if I could just go back to bed, when Leonie wants something done then, it gets done then.
I had a shower and Leonie did my hair.
“You tired?” she asked, after I’d yawned for the 15th time in about 10 minutes
“I didn’t sleep well” I told her as she pinned my hair back
“Why not?”
“I don’t know, I can never sleep properly when Darren isn’t with me”
“I know what you mean, I have to get used to it. I travel so much, Robert has other commitments most of the time”
I nodded.
It was beginning to hit me how hart this relationship was going to be. The last few months had been easy, I followed Darren, but sooner or later I’m not going to want to travel as much, I hate it as it is.
“You ok?” she asked
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit nervous”
“Just remember this is your day, Darren has the attention every other day of the year, but this is your day”
I smiled, as always Leonie was right. This was going to be my day.
Once my hair was done, she did my make-up and then I was squeezed into my very tight fitting wedding dress.
About ten minutes later the limo arrived and me and Leonie headed towards the church.
“Are you sure you want to walk down there on your own?” she asked
“Leonie, I’ll be fine. Its just the aisle, Darren’s there at the bottom, I don’t need my dad or my family here. I don’t want them here, I’ll be fine”
“You sure, because I can walk you down if you like”
“Leonie go, find Robert and sit down.”
She nodded, kissed my cheek, gave me a small wave and left.
I was alone.
I stood looking at the doors, the door that were separating me from Darren, separating me from the rest of my life, stopping me from getting over my past and leaving it behind.
The doors opened and I began to walk slowly down the aisle, not taking my eyes off Darren. We kept eye contact from the second I walked into the church to the second the priest began to speak.
“You look beautiful” he whispered, as I reached him.
I smiled.
This was it, when I left this building I was going to be a married woman, I was going to be Darren’s wife, I was going to be the happiest woman alive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The service went well, we exchanged our vows and signed the papers and about an hour after I’d walked into the church we were walking back out again, husband and wife.
I don’t think Darren could have had a bigger smile on his face. He grinned the whole day.
On the way out of the church we were showered with confetti and rose petals – Darren’s idea!
We climbed back into the limo and were driven to our reception, where we stood for about 45 minutes greeting guests and people I have never met in my life.
I finally met the producer I was coming to see in San Francisco all those months ago, I still can’t remember the guy’s name. Oh well.
We sat and had dinner, and were them forced to listen to not 1, not 2, but 4 speeches, from the best man, Robert, Darren’s dad, Robert, Darren’s brother Peter, who joked about when we told them about us getting engaged, and then an impromptu speech from Daniel, who I had never met, but he is so nice, and it’s so nice that Darren is still such great mates with his ex-band mate.
After we’d eaten, we partied a bit until me and Darren had to leave for the airport. I still had no idea where we were going for our honeymoon
I got changed before we headed towards the airport.
We got into the airport before Darren told me where we were going.
We had a spare hour before check in opened so we sat in Starbucks and drank coffee.
“You what to know where we’re going then?” he asked, taking a sip of his decaf soy vanilla latte.
“Please” I laughed
“Ok, well, it’s my favourite holiday place in the whole world. I love it and I hope you love it to”
“Just tell me Darren”
“Ok, well, its about 1000 miles away from here, and it’s in the middle of the ocean”
“Get on with it!”
“We are going to…” he stopped, took another sip of his latte “Hawaii”
I sat there, in almost total shock.
Hawaii was one of those places I’m always dreamed of going, but I never wanted to go on my own. But now I had someone, this was my dream, I couldn’t believe it.
“You ok” he asked, bringing me back into reality
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, great in fact. I’ve just always wanted to go”
“Cool, you will love it, I promise” he smiled
“Yeah, I will, I just know it”
“Come on, we better go to check in” he said, draining the last of his coffee
“Yeah”
We checked onto the flight and sat in the first class lounge, drinking coke until we boarded the flight. We could have drunk just about any type of wine, beer, you name an alcoholic drink and they probably had it, but no, we sit drinking Coca-Cola.
We boarded the flight and Darren began to fall asleep
“Darren” I said
“Hmm?”
“Wake up”
“I hadn’t fallen asleep yet”
“And your not going to, you always fall asleep on planes, well today I have no one else to talk to so you are staying awake”
He chuckled, “Alright babe”
He looked at me, taking my hand in his.
We just sat there for a while, looking into one another’s eyes.
“I can’t believe we’re married” he said
“No, I can’t either. I just feel so happy, like I’m on top of the world”
“So do I babe, so do I” he smiled back
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The plane journey passed surprisingly quickly and soon we were landing in Hawaii.
We passed through the airport in record time and we were being driven to our hotel in no time.
The hotel was amazing. It was a series of 1 and 2 bedroom villas, surrounding a large pool. Behind the villas were a number of tennis courts, golf courses, the beach and forest.
The hotel also had a restaurant, bar, gym, and coffee-house.
Darren checked us into the hotel and we were given the key to our villa for the next two weeks.
We were led around the pool to our villa and we let ourselves in side, Darren carrying me over the threshold.
The inside of the villa was a bit like our home in San Francisco. The walls were white, the floor was wooden and the soft furnishings were white.
Darren dropped the suitcase into our bedroom before coming back into the lounge area.
“Hey baby” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him.
“Hey” I said, before he pressed his lips, gently onto mine.
His lips were so soft, so silky, so nice. His soft stubble brushing my check slightly as he rested his head on my shoulder.
“There’s something I’m going to say now, before we go any further” he said, pulling back slightly so he could look at me properly, but with his arms not moving from their position around my hips.
I nodded
“If I do something that you don’t like, or that reminds you of, you know, please tell me, and I’ll stop, ok?” he said, I could see the sincerity and love in those beautiful, deep, blue eyes of his.
I nodded again, some how I’d lost the ability to speak.
He smiled, pushing his lips onto mine once more.
We stood there in the middle of the lounge, the room going slowly dark, kissing, not talking, not doing anything else, just kissing for ages.
Suddenly he took my hand and led me through to the bedroom.
We got inside and as Darren closed the door he pushed me up against it, kissing me. Gently at first, slowly getting harder before his tongue seeped out of his mouth and brushed my lips.
Slowly, nervously, I opened my lips, just enough to let his inquisitive tongue entry.
After a while Darren moved me away from the door, towards the bed stopping at one side of it.
He carefully lifted my top over my head. Then he ran his hands down over my stomach, his hands, followed by his lips.
When he reached the top of my jeans he stopped and pulled back slightly, undoing the button and the zip, pulling the jeans down my legs.
He helped me step out of my jeans before picking me up and laying me on the bed, before undressing himself and laying next to me.
He brushed his fingers over my face, leaning in and kissing me, moving his lips all over my face before moving them lower, lower.
As he reached my bra, his hands slid round my back, undoing the clasp, before his lips continued on the path, down, down.
He stopped at my underwear, looking back up at me for confirmation that it was ok.
I nodded, smiling at him
“You sure?” he whispered
I nodded again, “Please, Darren, I need…” I was cut off by Darren kissing my lips, his soft ones brushing softly past mine.
He kissed his was back down, stopping just under my belly button.
He moved his hands down, spreading my leg, before moving back so they were resting on my hips before continuing the short distance.
His tongue began to kiss me, kissing, sucking.
His tongue, so ruff against my delicate skin. He was so harsh, so horrible.
A scream brought me back to reality, I realised it was my own. God, this was Darren, not dad, Darren!
I looked down, Darren had stopped, he was staring up at me, the expression on his face a mixture of shock, worry and sadness.
I could see the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes.
I pulled him up towards me, as he wrapped his arms around me I began to shake.
“What’s wrong baby?” he whispered, kissing my forehead, I was back in my safe place once more
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I’m ok, I’m fine, really I am.” I couldn’t lie, he could always see through, this time was no different.
“No, baby, your not. That was no scream of pleasure, what’s wrong, come on please tell me”
I paused, I didn’t want to offend him. I looked into his eyes, he was worried, I could see that.
“It’s just that … you sort of reminded me of …what dad did” I whispered, tears forming back in my eyes, they would not fall, not this time.
His eyes were so sad, the tears within them were about to fall, “I’m sorry, I, I…”
I cut him off with a kiss, “Baby, I’m ok now. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, please, carry on.”
He looked at me, “You want me to, your not just saying that”
“No, please, Darren. I need this as much as you do”
He smiled, kissing his way back down. This time when he got there, he once again checked that it was ok, once more I nodded.
His tongue was so soft, so careful, loving, warm.
After a while he kissed his way back up, planting a final kiss on my lips before asking, “Was that ok?”
I nodded, “Yes, Darren, please” I begged
He smiled again, and chuckled before he lay over me, spreading my legs with his hands, before holding me close, his arms around my waist.
He kissed me, a loving, long, warm, gentle kiss, before he moved slightly, positioning himself over me.
He opened his mouth as if he was about to speak.
I nodded, knowing what his question was going to be.
Slowly, carefully, he pushed himself inside me.
Then he stopped and kissed me, a reassuring kissing.
He rested there, letting me adjust before pushing in further.
Soon, he was deep inside me, and slowly he began to move.
When I woke the next morning it was still dark. The sun hadn’t even started to rise yet.
I looked over Darren, at the clock on his bedside table, it read 3:02am.
I turned over and tried to get back to sleep.
Darren’s arms pulled me back towards him, “Please” he whispered
I smiled, he was awake to.
I wriggled away from him and got up, grabbing my bathrobe.
I walked out of the bedroom and out onto the balcony that looked over at the sea. It was so calm and peaceful, there was hardly and waves and I could see no other person. Even though the sun hadn’t risen yet it wasn’t cold, and there was no wind.
Darren’s arms found their way around my waist again.
I turned my head and we kissed, gently, before going back to looking at the sea.
“It’s beautiful” I whispered, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness of our surroundings by raising my voice to a normal level.
He nodded, his chin resting on my shoulder. “I know, but its not as beautiful as you” he kissed my cheek
I laughed, “Yeah, whatever Darren”
“It’s true, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and your mine!” he did an evil laugh and kissed my cheek again
We stood looking out over the sea and soon the sun began to rise over the horizon. We watched the sun come up before going back to bed, curling up in each other’s arms, and falling back to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I woke again the sun was high in the clear blue sky.
I rolled over to find the bed empty. Usually when I awoke to an empty bed I worried because Darren would usually wake after me or watch me while I slept. This time, however, I didn’t. I laid there, waiting.
I looked over at the clock, 10:56am.
I got up, grabbing my bathrobe, there was no way I could lie in bed much longer.
I walked over to the balcony and looked over at the sea, the waves gently lapping the shore, the white sand, palm trees, Darren.
Darren? What was he doing on the beach? He hated beaches, I used to drag him onto the beach near San Francisco and he hated every minute of it, he gets bored too easily.
I got my bikini out of the suitcase, put it on and walked down the steps from the balcony to the beach.
I walked over the soft, white sand towards Darren.
When I reached him he didn’t look up, when I sat down he didn’t look across, his eyes stayed perfectly focused on the sea. He didn’t even acknowledge I was there.
“What’s wrong baby?” I asked
“Nothing” he said, not looking at me, still staring out to sea.
“Baby, don’t lie, what’s wrong?”
He turned to look at me, stroked my face, saying, “are you sure you can cope with coming on tour with me?”
“Yes”
“It’s just I don’t want you to come just because you think you should, I only want you to come if you really want to”
“Of course I really want to”
“We’re not going to have much time together, alone. I don’t know if I can put you through that”
“Darren, if I stay at home in San Francisco I’m going to see you even less. I’m coming with you, Ok?”
He smiled, looking back out to the sea. “It’s just as beautiful in the daylight” he said.
“Yes, it is” I smiled, lying back onto the sand.
Darren stood up. “if your going to sunbathe I’ll go and get you the suntan lotion, wouldn’t want you to burn”
“Thanks babe” I said as he walked back towards the villa.
Darren reappeared a few minutes later with a bottle of suntan lotion and a towel.
“Do you want me to put in on your back?” he asked
“Please” I said, lying on my stomach, on the towel he’d brought down with him.
I felt him sit across the base of my spine. Gently he began to massage the lotion into my skin.
When he finished he put the lotion on the tops of my shoulders and my arms and legs.
He then applied the cream to his stomach before lying on the sand.
We lay on the sand for a while before Darren started to get hungry. So we got up and had lunch in a little café I hadn’t noticed on the way in to the hotel. It was hidden behind a wall of palm trees and flowers.
We sat down and were almost immediately given want ever we wanted it was amazing. We just a couple of sandwiches for lunch before walking back, hand in hand, to our little villa, over looking the sea.
We curled up on the sofa together that afternoon, talking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What do you think about having kids babe?” Darren asked suddenly
“I don’t know, never really thought about it. Why?”
“Cos I’ve always wanted a family, and I want to have one with you, an now we’re married, well, I thought we could, well, start trying for a baby” he said, getting gradually quieter
“I don’t know babe, maybe when the tours over, we’ll talk about it more, I don’t want to be the size of a house travelling all over the world following you”
He nodded, looking some what like a sad puppy that’s just been told off.
“Maybe someday babe” I smiled, stroking his check, “Just not right now, ok?”
He nodded again. “Can we practise then?” he asked, with a cheeky grin
“When I’ve written something down, ok”
“What do you need to write? I thought you’d given up?”
“I’m not selling my material anymore, that doesn’t mean that when I come up with an idea it doesn’t drive me mad until I write it down, does it. Let me write this song and then we can think about practising, yeah”
He nodded, I got up and walked through to the bedroom, grabbing my note book and a pen. I sat down back in Darren’s arms, as I began to write.
“There, finished” I sighed 10 minutes later.
“That was quick, can I read it?”
“Yeah, go ahead” I said, passing him the book, open on the correct page.
I watched as his eyes skimmed the pages, reading carefully what I’d written. I watched as tears began to form in those beautiful sapphire eyes, those eyes, those eyes.
“Will you sing it to me?” he whispered, as if he was about to cry.
Everytime I close my eyes or look outside my window
I see your eyes looking back at me
Everytime I close my eyes or look outside my window
I wonder where you are
Your eyes they follow me wherever I go
I see them everywhere, baby
Your eyes they follow me wherever I go
Those sapphires are always shining at me
Your eyes, your eyes are like diamonds
Shining in the mid-day sun
Your eyes, your eyes are like sapphires
Deeper than the deepest blue sea
Everytime I close my eyes or look outside my window
I see your eyes looking back at me
Everytime I close my eyes or look outside my window
I wonder where you are
Deep down I know you love me
Your eyes say it all
So when I need you now
Why can’t I find them at all?
Your eyes, your eyes are like diamonds
Shining in the mid-day sun
Your eyes, your eyes are like sapphires
Deeper than the deepest blue sea
Your eyes they follow me wherever I go
I see them everywhere, baby
Your eyes they follow me wherever I go
Those sapphires are always shining at me
Your eyes they tell a thousand stories
Of love, and life, and loss
Your eyes they tell a thousand stories
They tell them to me
Baby
Your eyes, your eyes are like diamonds
Shining in the mid-day sun
Your eyes, your eyes are like sapphires
Deeper than the deepest blue sea
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I finished he began to cry.
I held him close and tried to wipe away his tears but they continued to fall.
“That was beautiful” he whispered
I smiled before he kissed my cheek.
“Come on” I said, “it’s getting late. We should think about going to bed”
Darren nodded, “let’s practise tomorrow” he yawned
We got up off the sofa and got ready for bed.
I climbed into bed and waited while Darren washed his face. He climbed into bed and we lay together, not repeating the activities of the previous night, but, instead, just choosing the hold each other until we fell asleep.
When I awoke Darren was propped up on one elbow, staring at me. I opened my eyes and he smiled
Slowly he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on my lips
We smiled at each other as a climbed out of bed.
My feet hadn’t reached the floor when he grabbed my arm, pulling me back into the bed.
I looked into his eyes, eyes filled with blue flame, the flames of passion.
His mouth covered mine, our tongues forced to tango.
Suddenly he slowed, became more gentle, more like the man I had fallen in love with rather than a sex crazed lunatic.
His hands caressed my back, his tongue stroking mine. One of his hands moved round to my stomach, moving up, up, taking the material of my top with it. Then it moved back down, brushing my skin, as it moved over my breasts, my stomach, grabbing my pants, pulling them down, down.
It was only then I realised he was already completely naked, beautiful in the early morning light.
The curtains were open, the patio door open slightly, a soft warm breeze blowing through the room
I looked back at him, his eyes still alight with blue flame, he smiled, laying me back onto the bed.
His hands caressing my body, his mouth covered mine once again, a gentle and loving yet passionate kiss.
His hand moved down, the other cupping one of my breasts.
His hands had the ability to work the best kind of magic.
Slowly his lips moved from my mouth, down my jaw line, following his hands, down, down.
Ecstasy.
His lips, so soft. His kisses, so gentle. His touches, so loving.
As I felt myself become wet he moved back up, kissing his way back to my mouth, and then continuing, my cheek, my ear, my hairline, my eyelids, my nose.
He lay on top of me, staring at me, watching me watching him.
Slowly he moved his lips nearer to mine again, hovering, waiting.
I looked into those eyes again, still brilliant blue with flames of passion.
They started slowly, gently, but soon his thrusts grew stronger and stronger, harder and harder, deeper and deeper, shorter and shorter.
Soon he collapsed, shaking.
As we regained our breathing Darren spoke again, “That, was, intense” he panted, “Nice”
I giggled
“What’s so funny?” he asked
“Nothing” I said, suddenly stopping, stroking his hair. He was beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next week past quickly, too quickly and soon we were on our way to Darren’s homeland, Australia.
We stayed in a hotel, near to Warner Brothers Movie World, where Darren was going to be rehearsing for the tour.
Everyday during lunch we’d go into the theme park with the band or, if it was a weekend, or a school holiday, with our niece and nephews, Sara, Adam, Benny and Jordan.
To see Darren running around a theme park designed for little kids was funny. He fitted right in, like he was 5 again.
The tour rehearsals though were so hard for Darren, those breaks in the day were needed by everyone after about 3 hours of rehearsals.
I remember one day when he got so stressed out and ended up screaming at everyone who came within about 10 feet of him.
“Darren” I asked, as everyone began to back away, “Baby, what’s wrong”
He said nothing, he didn’t yell as I took a step closer to him.
He’d been screaming and I’d been called back to the stage from walking Obi, Darren’s dog.
“Darren, please tell me what’s wrong, what’s happened?” I asked
I took another step forward.
“Leave me alone” he screamed, echoing round the large empty warehouse.
No-one moved.
“Leave me alone” he yelled again, his voice starting to go hoarse from all the screaming and yelling
I nodded, and everyone turned to leave.
“Baby, please tell me what’s wrong” I asked
He almost ran into my arm, I had to take a step back to stop myself falling over.
He burst into tears.
We walked over to the stage and sat down.
“What’s wrong?” I asked again, wrapping my arms around his shaking body.
His sobbing calmed down.
“I was watching all the little kids in the park, outside, and, and…” he sobbed
“What babe?”
“I want a baby” he sobbed
I couldn’t answer him. I knew I was going to have to tell him this at some point, just not right now.
“Come on, lets go back to the hotel” I said, helping him up.
Darren cried the whole way back, we got inside a he went straight to bed and buried his head in the pillows.
I sat down on the bed next to him and pulled him into my arms.
I had to tell him.
“Darren baby, listen to me” I said, wiping his face. “I’m sorry about this honey, but” I stopped, this was going to break his heart. “You know I said I had to go to the hospital while you were away on that yoga trip”
Darren nodded,
“Well they ran every test on me that they could. They never found the cause of my headaches but they did find, that, I, we,” I stopped again. I’d known for a few weeks now, I’d tried telling Darren but I’d never actually managed it, it was too hard. This time though I knew I had no choice.
“Darren, I love you, and I’m sorry ok, but I can’t, I can’t…” then it hit me, what I was about to tell Darren, I’d been told but I hadn’t really let myself believe it, now telling Darren made me realise the truth. “Darren, I can’t have children” I said quietly.
Darren looked up at me, bottom lip trembling, tears falling, shoulders shaking, he put his head in his hands.
I put my arms around him, trying to comfort him, but he pushed me away.
“Please, honey, It’s ok. We can get through this, there are other ways, it just won’t happen on its own, we’d have to have IVF treatment.
He looked up at me again, “So there is a chance that we could still have children of our own?”
I nodded, wrapping my arms around his shaking form. I knew it was his biggest dream to have kids of his own. He was so good with his niece and nephews.
We sat together and cried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night we went out for dinner, just the two of us, alone, away from the band, away from Leo, away from family, the hotel and that damn theme park.
We sat outside in the warm Brisbane summer night, the candles on the tables giving the only real light, looking out over the sea, watching little blips of light on the horizon, ships, as they passed in the night.
“You know you said that we could start trying for a baby after the tour?” Darren asked
I nodded
“Can we still do that?”
“I don’t see why not” I smiled, “If the other tests don’t show anything”
“Other tests?” Darren asked, puzzled
“Yeah, they want to run some more tests on me at some point but I said that I’d ring and make an appointment nearer the time of us going back to San Fran. They understand that you need me here, with you on tour.”
Darren nodded, smiling, “How have they been recently anyway?”
“The headaches? I’ve not had one for a while, but I haven’t forgotten my pills for a while either”
Darren laughed
“I am going to stay on this tour with you, you know that don’t you”
He nodded
“I can see that you need me here, you’ve shown that today. I dread to think what they would have don’t if I was in San Fran, and not round the corner with Obi”
“I don’t think I would have let it get to me that much, it wouldn’t usually have affected me but, I don’t know, something sparked it off.” Darren said, his voice wavering
“You ok babe?” I asked
“I’ve got a bit of a sore throat,” he said, quietly
I nodded, “It’s all that shouting earlier. Don’t speak, try and not use your voice, ok?”
He nodded, “I know the drill” he laughed, before coughing
“I’ll ring Leo”
Darren shook his head,
I fished my phone out of my handbag, which was huge, filled with things like throat sweets, lip balm, my usual stuff, and a load of stuff Leonie said I would need!
I handed Darren the pack of antiseptic throat sweets and hit auto-dial on Leo’s number and put it to my ear. It was ringing.
“Hello, Leonie Messer”
“Leo, Its Lizzie”
“Hiya, Has Darren calmed down?”
“Yeah, the only thing now is that he’s got a sore throat”
“I knew he would, tell him to shut-up and come back to the hotel, just chill out in your room for a bit, and I’ll see you in the morning”
“Thanks Leo, see you tomorrow”
“Bye sweetie”
I ended the call and turned my attention back to our little diva, who had been sat struggling to get the sweet out of the wrapper for the past 5 minutes
“Pass them here”
I opened the sweet for him, “Open wide” I laughed
He did as he was told and I popped the sweet into his mouth.
We paid the bill and headed back to the hotel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next couple of weeks passed quite quickly and soon it was the night before the first night of the tour.
I’ve never seen Darren more excited. We all went out to dinner that night, everyone, the whole crew, band, backing singers, lighting people, stage people, transport, the lot. We took up a whole restaurant in Brisbane, one expensive restaurant and Darren paid the whole bill, all 500 dollars of it.
We had a good night, everyone chatting together, enjoying themselves.
I think I was more nervous than Darren, this was his forth tour after all, he had it down pat now. He knew the score. I didn’t. I’d spoken to artists who had come back to me telling me how amazing some song was amazing to perform on stage but that was it, my whole tour experience.
Over the past week everyone had had this new sort of energy, there was this incredible buzz in the air. Darren was constantly hyper, the band and everyone had begun to get excited, looking forward to that first night in Brisbane, Darren’s hometown.
Darren and his band were doing countless numbers of concerts on this tour, in countless numbers of countries, they were playing everywhere. Australia, the UK, Sweden, Denmark, Russia, Japan, everywhere.
That night in that restaurant was the last day of Darren being able to eat normal food for over 4 months. While he was on tour he couldn’t eat anything, just in case it damaged his voice, and we wouldn’t want that.
Everyone had their fingers crossed that he wouldn’t get ill on this tour and that no gigs would have to be cancelled, like the last tour. If it happened again it would break Darren, I doubt he’d ever get over it
Darren had to be up early the next morning, he had ‘N’ number of interviews and things this morning, I’d met him at soundcheck later on that day, at about 4.
I got a bit of shopping done that morning, in preparation for all the concerts I’d have to attend. I bought several pairs of trousers and jeans, and tops and other little bits both me and Darren would need over the next few months. I stocked up on throat sweets, somehow I thought we’d might be needed several packets of those, and other tablets and toiletries.
When I got to the venue there were about 30 people stood outside the stage door, waiting.
I pushed through the crowd and knocked on the door.
“I don’t know why your knocking” someone said, “They won’t answer”
It was true, no one answered.
I grabbed my mobile from my bag and called Leo’s number.
“Hello Lizzie” she answered
“Hi, can you let me in” I asked
“Where are you?”
“Stage door”
“Yeah, I’ll be right there”
I hung up
“Were you talking to Leonie?” the person from earlier asked
I nodded
“What do you do on this tour then?” she asked
“I’m here for moral support” I told her, it was the truth, I was.
“For who?”
Everyone knew Darren had just got married, but no one knew what I looked like, it didn’t therefore surprise me that she asked that question.
Just then Leonie opened the door.
“Hiya” she said, “Lizzie, Darren want’s you, he wants to know what took you so long or something.”
I laughed, walking inside.
“Would you tell him that I’m letting everyone in for soundcheck now and that he better get his butt on stage” she told me, before pointing me in the direction of Darren’s dressing room.
I walked down the corridor and found Darren’s dressing room pretty easily.
As I walked in I was swamped with questions about where I’d been and what I’d bought. Darren always got excited when I went shopping, usually I brought back chocolate, but not this time. I handed him the bag of his toiletries and throat sweets.
The look on his face was priceless, but then he smiled, “At least you were thinking of me”
I laughed
“Leo says you’ve got to get your beautiful butt on stage, she’s letting everyone in for soundcheck”
He nodded, putting his trainers back on and straightening his hair, before grabbing my hand and leading me towards the stage.
I sat down to one side of the stage to watch with Leo as Darren did his soundcheck.
The fans sat a way from us, in the centre. He waved at them before blowing a kiss towards me.
He started to sing, one of the songs from the last album, I tried to remember the title. Suddenly he stopped, looking straight at me, beckoning me onto the stage.
I shook my head, there was no way I was going up there. There was I reason I was a songwriter and no the person who actually sang. I’ll admit that I can sing, it’s important for a songwriter, we have to sing songs back to the people who will eventually sing them, but there was now way he was getting me up on that stage.
“Come on Liz” He said into his mic, he’d never called me Liz before, no one had called me Liz before, it was weird, “I need you up here” he held out his hand, calling me onto the stage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I felt Leo pushing me up towards the stage.
As a stepped out I looked out over the arena, those 30 people sat a few metres away seemed nothing, not compared to the rest of the place anyway.
Darren took hold of my hand, pulling me into the centre stage.
He wrapped his arm around me and began to sing again, the same song as a few minutes ago, I recognised it this time. ‘I can’t ever get enough of you.’
He knew how much I love that song, it sort of seemed to fit with us, our history, everything, it was like when he wrote it he was staring into a crystal ball.
When he’d finished he began to sing a song we’d written together in the first week, when we first met. It was the only one of the songs we’d written together to go on the album and it was my favourite.
While he sang he held me close. I could feel 30 plus pairs of eyes watching me, but I didn’t care, I was in my safe place and that was all that mattered.
Soon soundcheck was over and we headed back to Darren’s dressing room.
We sat and chatted for a while about things before dinner, oh the delights of chicken and rice. I had a feeling I was going to be eating a lot of chicken and rice over the next few months.
Soon it was time for Darren to start getting ready for the show. We did some yoga relaxation exercises together and Darren got changed.
He was nervous, you could see it all over his face, but you could also tell that he was looking forward to getting out there, he was so excited.
As we waited for him to go on he held my hand, the grin on his face stretched from ear to ear, your typical Darren grin, it could light up the whole of Brisbane tonight.
His Q came and Darren walked out onto the stage. I ran and took my place in the front row. I wanted to see this show from the fan’s perspective, my first real concert at the age of 26, and it’s my husband up there.
The concert was amazing. Darren gave his best, and I knew it was only going to get better. Every couple of minutes throughout the gig he kept looking at me, his eyes meeting mine only for a few seconds at a time but each time they said a thousand words.
When it came time for him to sing our song, the one we’d written together he moved the stool that was permanently placed in front of the drummer on the flat stage and sat down.
He put the mic to his lips and began to speak, “I’d like to dedicate this next song to the person sat in the audience tonight who has helped me through so much over this past year, Babe, can you come up here?”
I shook my head, soundcheck and 30 people was different to the gig and a few thousand people.
Once again Leonie pushed me in the direction of the stage.
I had no choice then I had to get up there with him. I climbed onto the stage and walked over to him.
He wrapped his arm around me and began to sing, his arm squeezing my waist, holding me in the safe place Darren knew I loved to be. Even though we were stood high above all those people I didn’t care, he was with me and nothing could hurt me.
When the song finished I walked off the stage and watched the rest of the show from the side of the stage.
20 minutes later Darren joined me and we walked back to his dressing room. We sat together until he climbed down, back off the high of the show and headed to the hotel.
When we got back to the hotel that night Darren got in the shower before getting straight into bed, he was shattered.
You could tell that he’d enjoyed the show but he was tired, all the preparation had paid off and he was happy, ecstatic but tired, very tired.
We got changed and climbed into bed, I held him close and watched as his eyelids got heavier and he fell asleep.
I did asked him about the show, I didn’t need to, I could see he was happy but I knew that he thought it could have been better, but I didn’t need to ask. I just knew, it was in his eyes. The tour could only get better, I didn’t know how, but I knew it was going to. I knew the fans tonight had enjoyed it so much and the fans later on were going to as well, that was important to Darren, I’ll always remember that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day we spent just being together before going to the venue in Brisbane, again, ready for soundcheck at 4pm.
Darren didn’t pull me up on stage, I don’t think I would have managed two nights in a row, let alone weeks, months, like Darren. I know how much he loves being up on that stage and he knows how much I enjoyed staying behind the scenes, watching.
The gig that night was better than the night before, I have no idea how but it was, Darren was amazing again, like he was for that whole tour.
After a few weeks touring around Australia it was time to head over to the UK.
We had about a week off before the rest of the tour equipment got over to the UK so we spent the week being alone away from the pressures of the tour for a bit.
Darren had a few rehearsals that week but most of the time we were alone, together in the flat in London.
We went shopping once but by this time the news of Darren’s new wife and who she was had got around the world, twice. It was the talk of Darren’s chat-rooms and bulletin boards, everyone knew who I was and because of that I knew I had to be careful while I was in the UK, I didn’t know what could happen, I didn’t realise how careful I would have to be though, looking back I wish I had.
During that week was my 27th birthday.
That night Darren took me out to a posh restaurant in London. Even though most of that week was spent just the two of us alone, it was nice to be together, alone, somewhere other than the apartment or Darren’s house in San Francisco.
He made me feel so special that night, treating me like a queen, granting my every wish.
He helped me out of the limo and we walked into the restaurant. We were seated at one end of the restaurant, away from most of the other customers. Darren had pre-ordered our meal, giving me no choice about what I ate, but he knew what I liked and what I would eat, all in all he did quite well, ordering things I wouldn’t usually choose, but were some of the nicest things I have ever eaten.
“Do you want to bring up our baby in London or San Fran then?” He asked
“I don’t mind. San Fran I think preferably, just because of dad and everything, I think I’d rather be as far away from him as possible if I’m bringing up my child” I replied
Darren nodded, “Me too. As much as I love London and the UK I think that we should raise our kid where you are most comfortable.”
I smiled, “And its our home, the flat’s sort of work related, having it there makes it easier when you travel, but it’s not really our home”
“No, but it’s still yours”
“True. Anyway we’re not even pregnant yet, and you’ve got to wait until the end of the tour before we even think about it properly.”
He laughed, he knew it was the truth though, no matter how much he wanted children, they would have to wait until the end of the tour, maybe even later.
When we got back to the flat we cuddled up on the sofa for a couple of hour, not saying much, just enjoying being together, at home, alone.
As we sat curled up together we fed each other some chocolates that Darren had got during the day, they were gorgeous.
I sat for a while staring at a patch on the wall trying to remove the weird white fuzz from around the edge of my vision. I couldn’t.
After a while we went to bed, I didn’t tell Darren about my sight, I didn’t want to worry him, I thought it was nothing, I was tired, very tired.
I curled up next to Darren, his arms wrapped around me.
“It’ll be ok, you know that don’t you” he said
I nodded, falling asleep, in my safe place.
Soon we were back on tour, this time around the UK and we had a tour bus, I hated that thing. Several times we were expected to sleep on it while we drove through the night to get to the next venue. It was hell. I could not sleep. I felt safe enough, me and Darren shared a very tiny bunk, he was close to me, but still I could not sleep, everynight I would watch him as his eyelids fluttered, dreaming.
The first night in the UK was electric. The audience was completely different than the audiences in Australia.
The first show was in Cardiff, somewhere Darren didn’t play on his last tour, the venues were bigger this time and Bristol didn’t have a venue big enough.
Darren was more nervous about this leg of the tour, I don’t know if it was just because more pressure from the crowd or if it was the heightened security he had asked for in the UK. He hadn’t asked me if I wanted them, but I think he knew I didn’t feel safe travelling around the UK. I didn’t know where my dad lived, I did know that he knew that I was married to the world famous popstar he had met on my doorstep a year ago.
So we had this extra security for the month we spent in the UK, but I still didn’t really feel safe, I only had one safe place, my safe place, and that was in Darren’s arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darren always tried to make soundchecks interesting. This time, during the soundcheck for the first of two London shows, he spent half an hour goofing around before even considering rehearsing anything.
I sat and watched with Leonie as Darren threw himself across the stage while doing some kind of monkey dance. It was hilarious.
We were preparing to leave the UK, there were only these two London dates left and then a few days off before the first gig in Sweden. I was happy about leaving the UK, being there always made me nervous.
After soundcheck I sat alone in the empty arena, looking around at all the empty seats. It was so quiet, nice.
That was until someone put their hand firmly over my mouth, stopping me from making any kind of noise. They yanked me out of my seat and dragged me out of the arena, into the ladies toilets at the front of the venue.
It was then I realised who it was
Dad.
He replaced his hand was scarf and threw me to the floor. He tied my wrists to a pole and began to strip me of my clothes.
Soon I was completely naked.
He removed his own clothes and moved closer. I squirmed, trying to escape.
I was terrified.
I tried to scream but the scarf stopped it.
“Stay still” he growled, grabbing my hips, pulling me back towards him. Still I tried to move away.
He removed one hand from my hips and grabbed his belt from the floor. He flipped me over so I was lying on my front on the tiled bathroom floor.
I heard the belt whiz threw the air before it hit me hard on my back, buckle end first, already I could feel my skin bruising.
He hit me again and again with the buckle end of his belt.
In some places I was bleeding, my back was bruised.
Suddenly he stopped and threw the belt away. Then he flipped me back onto my back, making me lie on my already painful back. It was hell.
I was crying now, the tears rolling down the sides of my face as I lay on the floor.
He pulled me back towards him, my back scrapping across the floor, then he did it. He did what he had been trying to do for over 10 years.
He raped me.
His lips hard on mine. His hands, roaming, feeling. His thrusts, so hard, so ruff, so unloving, uncaring.
Soon he came he came inside of me and withdrew.
He picked up his clothes and redressed, staring at me lying naked on the floor. He replaced his belt and walked out of the bathroom.
I lay there, on the floor, crying, for a while before I started to get up. I managed to untie myself and get back onto my feet. Slowly I got dressed, being extra careful about my back, I was in agony.
I very slowly walked back across the arena, it was starting to get busy now with people doing last minute lighting checks and stuff. I made it back to the dressing room and opened the door. I stumbled over to the sofa and collapsed onto it.
Darren ran over to me, scared, worried.
Leonie began to panic, her careful planning and organisation going out the window.
I curled up on the side of the sofa nearest the wall and began to cry.
Darren held me, trying to calm me, asking what had happened, yelling at Leo to get help.
I tried to move away from Darren, I felt dirty, like I didn’t deserve to be there in his arms. Darren however had other ideas and wrapped his arms tighter around me.
I pulled away from him and curled up as far away, yet still on the sofa, as I could.
“Babe. What’s wrong? What’s happened?” he asked, panicking
I said nothing, I couldn’t, I was crying too hard.
I was happy when Sharon, Darren’s PA, came and told him it was time to go. He left me alone with Leonie. She wrapped her arms around me, and I relaxed. I knew that I could tell her about Dad, not that I couldn’t tell Darren but somehow it was just easier to tell her.
“Lizzie” she spoke quietly, “Lizzie, what’s happened? I need to know so that we can sort this out.” She began to rub my back, I screamed.
“That hurts” I whimpered.
“What hurts?” she asked
“My back”
I felt Leonie lift the back of my top. She gasped.
“Lizzie, who did this to you?”
I began to cry again. Who else’s Dad would do this to them, who? Cos I can’t think of anyone. All my friends have always seemed to have Dad’s who loved them, why did my dad have to be the complete opposite? Why did I have a dad who would do that to anybody? Why did he choose me?
“Lizzie, who was it? You have to tell me so that we can get this sorted out?” Darren was back again. It didn’t seem that long since he had gone. But then, I had apparently past out after Leonie asked me who it was the first time.
I collapsed into his arms, somehow things did seem as bad anymore, not with Darren anyway. I knew he wouldn’t hate me, I could hate myself, but he would still love me.
Leonie showed Darren my back. “Lizzie, please tell us who this was” He was almost crying himself now
.
I tried to tell him, but I couldn’t get the words out. I got up and grabbed some paper. Shakily I wrote down his name.
Dad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“How? When? Why?” Darren spluttered, he ran over to me, wrapping his arms around me. My safe place.
I shook my head, I had no idea why he’d done it. No idea at all. Darren knew how, he knew when, but why, well that was beyond me, let alone him.
“We have to go to the police” he said.
I shook my head again. “No. I can’t”
“Lizzie, we have to, we can’t let him get away with this, we cant.”
“I don’t want to” I said, tears still streaming down my face”
“Come on, we need to get you two home.” Leonie said, “The fans have almost all gone now, there are a few left but I think it’s safe.”
Darren wrapped his arms around me and helped me out to an awaiting car.
We arrived home a few minutes later. Darren carried me up the stairs and I went straight to bed, I was so tired, scared and nervous. I wanted to get out of the UK as soon as possible. Two more days, just two more days.
When I woke the next morning Darren was watching me. He leaned forwards and brushed his fingers over my face.
I winced, my back still hurt.
“What’s the matter babe?” he asked
“It hurts” I whispered
“What hurts baby?”
“My back”
Carefully he turned me over so I was lying on my side, facing him. He smiled, reassuringly, trying to make me forget.
“It’s ok babe, I’m here, always, never forget that, ok?” he said, lifting my head, making me look at him
I nodded
I knew he was always going to be there for me, like he had been in the past, like I had been for him. I knew he wasn’t just going to leave me, not like the others, not like mum, not like Josie, not like Dad. He was my safe place, my shelter, mine, mine.
I snuggled into him and he wrapped his arms around me. Loving, caring, safe.
He kissed me, softly, on the lips, reminding me, without words, that he loved me.
I began to cry, the thoughts of Dad coming back, back again, back to haunt me, like they always will, memories like that don’t fade, they just become more real.
Darren tried to wipe away my tears. Why hadn’t Dad ever done that, why? What have I done? I must have done something. Something like that isn’t normal. Normal Dads don’t do that to there daughters. No one normal does that. No one.
I was glad Darren didn’t know what I was thinking as we laid there, I think they would have scared him so far way I would never have been able to get on the same planet as him anymore. But somehow he did know the sort of things I was thinking about, yet he stayed, I don’t know why, no one else would have, love I suppose, but I don’t know, I’ve only ever really been loved once.
“You can’t leave me!” he said, suddenly, the tears beginning to form in his eyes.
How does he do that? How can he read my mind like that?
“Who says I was going to?”
“I can see it in your eyes, they say too much sometimes”
“I know. I’ll never leave you Darren” I said, trying not to cry, “Not even in death, that is what those vows were all about. Never leaving each other, only in death will we part, but really we’ll still be together Darren, I’ll always be with you, watching you. Remember that, won’t you”
He nodded, beginning to cry. “Death isn’t the answer you know”
I began to cry.
We huddled up together, in bed, in our flat. Somewhere I now didn’t feel comfortable. Not when I knew Dad knew where I lived, where I was, who I was with, what I did, when I did it. I just wanted to leave the UK and never go back.
I have no idea what time it was when I awoke, nor do I know how long it was before Leonie rang to see if Darren was ready.
All I know is that when she did arrive we were both still in bed. Darren quickly got up and I got ready as fast as I could. I wasn’t going to be left alone. Just the thought of being alone scared the living daylights out of me. I needed Darren to be near me, at least in the same room, and if he wasn’t there Leonie had to be.
The whole event scared me so much. How did I know he wasn’t going to follow me and do it again? At least when I was with Darren I knew Darren wouldn’t let him.
I have no idea how I got through that day, or the concert that night. I sat there, curled up in a chair in Darren’s dressing room, behind that wall of security that Darren had ordered before we even started to tour the UK.
I was so happy when after that gig we boarded a plane to Sweden. As soon as they shut the doors I felt safer, happy. Darren was with me and I wasn’t in the same country as him anymore, I hoped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we arrived in Sweden we were driven to the hotel. Darren didn’t have another concert for a few days.
We went straight to bed when we got into that hotel room, it was past 2 am and we were both shattered.
Once again, just like the day before, when I woke Darren was looking at me. He brushed a few strands of hair from my face and kissed my nose.
“Good morning sweetie” he said
“Morning” I replied.
“Um, baby” he began, “I was thinking, last night, on the aeroplane, um, about you, and what’s happened and the tour and stuff. And I think it might be a good idea if you went home, back to San Francisco, for a bit. You know, clear your head, get back to normality. Away from the tour, and all these people and the stress, it might help you to recover and, well, um, relax.”
“Darren. Do you have any idea about what I have been through? I know that I probably depend on you far too much, but I don’t think I could cope right now being on my own, all alone, in that huge house of yours –“
“Ours” he butted in
“Ok then, that huge house of ours, on my own, without you. I need you right now, I need to feel loved, I need to be able to forget about him, forget about what happened, and that means staying here on tour, with you, being with you and not being alone.” I paused, “He attacked me when I was alone if you didn’t know, if I’m not alone he’s not going to hurt me”
Darren pulled me into a hug, “Baby, please, just try it and see. He doesn’t know where we live, he can’t find out. You don’t have to go back on the plane on your own, Leonie can go with you, or maybe Robert, you won’t be alone baby.” He paused, wiping the tears away from his own eyes, “I just think it’s best if you take some time away from the tour to help you recover and relax.”
I nodded, I knew what he was saying, but still it meant me leaving him, me being alone, Leonie and Robert were both needed on this tour, they couldn’t leave, not for the time Darren was talking about.
“And maybe, when we’ve left Europe you might be able to come back, to continue on this tour with me.”
How long was that? How long before he left Europe? He had concerts in so many countries and towns and cities, I couldn’t work it out. There were too many to count.
“How long?” I asked
“What. ‘Til I leave Europe?”
I nodded
“Um, mouth and a half, about six weeks I think, I’ll have to ask Leo though, just to make sure”
I nodded again, loosing the will to speak, I knew that if I did I’d burst into tears and that would get us no where.
“Will you go?” he asked, carefully
I shrugged
“Ok, think about it though won’t you”
I nodded again, “I will”
With that he got up. I heard the shower turn on, him singing, the shower being turned back off again. He walked back through to the bedroom, towel drying his hair, a white towel loosely around his waist, bare feet.
He looked at me, his eyes were puffy, red, like he had been crying. Well that made two of us.
I tried to smile, “You ok?”
He nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine, I’ll be ok, I’m just worried about you that’s all” he sat down on the bed, “I just what you to, relax, forget, I don’t quite know if that’s possible. I, I just wish I could turn back that clock, you know, make this never have happened” Tears began to form in his eyes
“Baby, don’t blame yourself for this.” I said, trying to calm him down, “It’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself for what has happened.” I paused. While he was in the shower I had been thinking, about what he had said, about going, home. “Darren” I brushed his hair back from his face, “I am going to go back to San Francisco, like you said, I think I should just get away from this, away from the tour, and try and relax, and try and forget, I don’t know if I can do either, but I’ll try. I will be back though, I’ll be back on this tour, when you leave Europe. I can’t leave you for that long, it would only make it worse.”
He nodded, trying to smile through the tears. “Good. I’m glad, that your going to go home, get away” he smiled again, that beautiful Darren smile, the one that lights up my life, puts ever thing in perspective and reminds me why I’m still here, why I did give up a long time ago.
“I love you,” I said, stroking his face.
“I love you to.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We didn’t do much that day. Darren spoke to Leo, who booked two tickets back to San Fran, for me and Robert. Leo couldn’t come back with me, she was too busy and we both knew she would have to be there for Darren, I couldn’t be.
That night we sat together in our hotel room, after eating yet another room-service meal off of our laps. I was curled up on the sofa, in Darren’s arms, in my safe place, happy, for the first time in a few days, but not truly happy, I had to leave tomorrow, alone tomorrow.
“I’ll ring you,” he said, suddenly, after minutes of silence.
“I know you will.”
His arms tightened their grip on me and I knew he didn’t really want me to leave, but I’d got used to the idea now, it was for the best in the long run. It was only for a while, a few weeks, not very long at all, for most people.
We sat in silence for a while longer, not needing words, words not saying what either of us wanted to say, no words could, not at that moment.
“I’m going to miss you,” he said
“I know you will”
He placed a single kiss on my forehead, one kiss saying thousands of words, unspoken but felt words. I knew I was going to miss him, I didn’t know how much, but I knew I was.
We sat together for a while longer before I got up and went to bed, tomorrow was going to be a long day, a long and painful day, a long, painful and tiring day.
I was woken when Darren came to bed an hour later. I could tell he had been crying, his eyes still full of un-cried tears.
I wrapped my arms around him as his tears began to fall, over the past 48 hours, he’d tried to be so strong, for me, now his defences were crumbling, the tears falling, his stronghold gone.
I have no idea how long it took to calm Darren down that night, I had to be strong now, now he was weak. One of us had to be strong. Eventually he fell asleep and so did I.
I was woken by the phone the next morning, Darren was still asleep.
“Lizzie” it was Leo
“Hi Leo, what time is it?”
“Time you were up, is Darren awake yet?”
“No, do you want me to wake him?”
“Yeah, you two have one hour, then you both need to be ready to go to the airport, I’m guessing that Darren’s coming with us to see you off”
“Yeah, I think he is”
“Ok, I’ll see you in an hour”
“Yeah, see ya”
“Bye”
“Bye”
I hung up the phone and looked back across the bed to Darren. He was still asleep, his eyelashes fluttering, his eyes moving under their lids, his mouth slightly open, his hair stuck up at strange angles, and he was snoring a just little bit. He was beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I gently shook him awake.
His eyes slowly opened, looking at me, his lips formed a smile. This was going to be so tough, so hard, how could I leave him, even if it was just for a few weeks, but how?
“Good morning baby” he smiled
We got up and showered and ate some breakfast, all the usual things. I packed the few things I had unpacked from my suitcase.
We sat together, in each other’s arms, as we waited for Leo, and Robert, to come for us, to take us to the airport, to take me home, away from Darren.
I didn’t want to go now, not after watching Darren sleep this morning.
There was a knock on the door, Darren answer it, it was Leo, it was time.
As we sat in that cab on the way to the airport I watched Darren, I watched as he stared out the window, dreaming. He looked at me and smiled, not your usual happy Darren smile, but the smile he wears when he’s trying to be brave, when he’s trying to mask his feelings. It never works.
I curled up next to him and he put his hand on my back, I winced, it still hurt like hell.
We arrived at the airport a few minutes later. We checked in and went for a coffee in Starbucks, we had a couple of hours before boarding.
We all sat around, chatting, having a laugh and enjoying ourselves. Robert was coming back to San Francisco with me and then coming back to Sweden, he was one of the many music engineers on this tour and without him Darren wouldn’t be heard over the noise of the crowd.
Soon though we had to move to the boarding gate, leaving both Darren and Leonie behind.
“I’m going to miss you,” he said, almost in tears
“I’m going to miss you to babe” I replied, the tears spilling over my cheeks
Darren wiped them way with his gentle hand.
“It’s ok, everything’s alright” he said. His voice was so comforting, I knew everything was going to be fine, that everything was ok, those few words, and the ones that followed echoed around in my head for hours, maybe even days afterwards, reassuring me, helping me, comforting me.
“I love you,” he said, placing a single kiss on my lips.
“I love you to” I replied, “I love you so much” tears once again began to fall.
The flight was called and both me and Robert knew it was time to go. I kissed Darren one last time, held him close and walked away, I couldn’t turn back, I knew that if I did I wouldn’t fly home, and I needed to.
I heard him yell, “Ring me when you get back” I smiled and raised my hand, showing him I’d heard him, yet still not turning around.
We boarded the plane and I took the window seat. As we took off I looked out of that window, staring at the people looking out of windows in the airport terminals and lounges and cafes, the people waving, and even though I could not tell you which one was Darren I knew he was among the people waving us off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The airport disappeared underneath the clouds and I began to realise that I wasn’t going to touch Darren again for 6 weeks, he wasn’t going to hold me as I cried, he wasn’t going to cuddle me while I slept, he wasn’t going to comfort me when I needed him to.
I stared out the window, I didn’t want Robert to watch me as I cried.
The tears began to fall and I have no idea when they stopped, but I guess now I must have been crying for hours, and probably cried myself to sleep, but I don’t know.
Robert realised I was crying and he tried to comfort me, but it wasn’t the same, I needed Darren, I wanted Darren, just to hold me again.
A few hours into the flight, Robert got up and used the satellite phone, I know he called Leonie, I over heard his conversation, not purposely, but I did.
He came back and told me that Darren hadn’t stopped crying since we left the terminal over 4 hours ago.
I needed to hold Darren, I needed Darren to hold me, but now we were over 5 hours apart, and I had another 10 to go before I reached home.
I fell asleep.
When we arrived back in San Francisco, after an hour long stop in New York, Robert got a cab and we were driven home, well I was. Robert got the cab straight back to the airport again, his job of dropping me back at home was done and now all he had to do was get back on a plane and fly back to Sweden.
I was alone once more.
Darren had always told me not to ring him when I was at home and he was somewhere else on the globe, working, but this time I had to talk to him. I couldn’t wait, I needed to hear his voice.
I rang his mobile phone number, as I dialled I tried to work out the time difference.
It rang once, twice, three times, before Leonie picked up.
“Hello Lizzie” she said
“Leo, where’s Darren, is he ok, what’s happened?” I asked all at once.
“Nothing, he’s fine, he’s just asleep right now, he’s had a stressful day, and now he needs his sleep. Did Robert get back to the airport ok?”
“I have no idea, he hasn’t rang, so I assume he did. Can you tell Darren to ring me, when he wakes up, I don’t care what time it is, I need to talk to him,” I cried. I needed to talk to him so badly now, and it just wasn’t going to happen.
I put the phone down a few minutes later and sat down on the sofa. Now I was here, back home, alone, I was lonely. I’d been alone for many years of my life, but this was different, this was pain, this was agony, this hurt.
I sat and stared at the opposite wall for a while before crying. I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to break down, I didn’t want that, not when Darren wasn’t there with me.
As I cried I thought through the last week or so, the nights watching Darren on stage, enjoying himself so much, the days sat watching soundchecks and doing yoga, trying to calm Darren down. I replayed that awful day over and over in my head, over and over and over.
I thought back to the day 8 years ago, in my flat in London, when he’d tried to do the same thing, but not finished, I’d never been so happy about Josie calling round in my life.
I thought back to that day, when I opened that email, when I’d phoned Josie’s mum, when I found out my only best friend, the person who had stood by me through thick and thin was dead.
I tried to remember mum, but me memory of her was slipping away. I had only a few memories of her, lying in that bed, wired to all those machines, being breathed for by a machine, being fed by a machine, pale, white, all that white, hospital white.
I remembered the day Dad had moved out of our family home in York, moved south, where I don’t knew. He used to visit me, he take me to pubs, make me sit and watch while he’d practically have it off with a Varity of sluts and scumbags.
My mind drifted back to that day, only a few days before, in that bathroom, the pain, the fear, the anger.
I looked at the clock, could I phone Darren, had I let him sleep, I needed to talk to him. I decided to take the risk.
I hit re-dial.
The phone rang, again, again, again.
“Hello” I’d woken him up.
“Darren?” I asked, I always liked to check with his phone, you never knew who it might be, which member of the crew this time?
“Lizzie, Lizzie, is that you?” he asked
“Darren. I miss you,” I said, tears rolling down my cheeks again
“I miss you too” his voice cracked
I knew we were both crying now, we needed to be together, this was a stupid idea, this hurt.
I heard someone yelling at Darren in the background, a woman, a wasn’t quite sure who it was but they took the phone from Darren told me to leave him alone and hung up.
I broke down. After everything that had happened in the past week his crew were still telling me that he couldn’t talk to me, and to leave him alone. When I needed him most, he couldn’t be there, not this time. Now I needed him more than ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought about going back, getting back on a plane and going back to Darren. I knew though that it was best if I stayed here, away from the tour, Dad didn’t know I was here, Dad did know where Darren was, that scared me. What if he hurt Darren? What if the tour had to be cancelled? What if? What if?
I got up and went to bed, I needed to sleep, I was tired, and jet-lagged, but I needed Darren with me, without Darren I didn’t feel safe. Darren had always helped me to sleep.
I laid in bed for a while, before getting up and trying to find something that reminded me of Darren, of that smelt of Darren, or something.
I’d washed everything before we had left, which ruled out any item of clothing, and he’d taken so much with him.
I climbed back into bed and tried to get to sleep. I must have fallen sleep eventually because I was woken by the phone.
I rolled over and picked it up.
“Hello” I answered
“Lizzie” A familiar voice replied
“Darren”
“I’m sorry about your call. Leo saw me crying, she said I shouldn’t talk to you, because I would cry”
I knew he was crying, his voice had changed.
“Crying, to much, can damage, my voice, puts strain, on my vocal chords”
“Baby, please don’t cry” I told him, “please. Come on, I’ll be back in a few weeks,”
“A month and a half” he said
“Less than that”
“That’s when your flight to Tokyo is”
“Can you get Leonie to change it”
“When to?”
“Where are you in 2 weeks?”
“Um, I don’t know, you’ll have to ask – Two Weeks! Are you sure?”
“Baby, what did I tell you before the tour started about you needed me there? What have you been doing since I left? I am coming back on the tour whether I’m over this or not”
“Lizzie, you don’t have to”
“Yes I do. Now, are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine” I could tell he was smiling now
“Is Leo with you?”
“Do you want to speak to her?”
“Yeah”
“One minute” he paused, “Alright babe, um, I’ll speak to you soon yeah? I love you”
“I love you to, I’ll see you soon”
I heard him pass the phone over,
“Hi Lizzie” Leo was cheery today.
“Hi, um, I was just wondering where Darren will be in two weeks time?”
“What, the tour? Um, Russia, why?”
“Will you book me a plane ticket from here to Russia so that I arrive in there on the same day as you?”
“Yeah, um, that’s in 12 days time. Is that ok?”
“That is fantastic. Will you make sure Darren is ok?”
“Lizzie, he seems fine, since he got off the phone with you just now he’s been smiling like a Cheshire cat.” She laughed, “Anyway Lizzie, we have to go now, the show starts in 10 minutes”
“Ok, I’ll see you soon”
“Yeah, bye-bye”
“See ya”
I put the phone down so much happier than when I picked it up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the next few days I began to realises exactly what had happened, I knew I should probably tell the police, but I didn’t know how to, I’d have to go back to the UK, alone, it was so easy to find out exactly where Darren was at any particular time.
I spoke to Darren at least twice a day, some times more, but there’s a huge difference between talking to him on the phone and speaking to him in person, from my safe place.
I tried to do things to take my mind off Darren and the other things that had happened in the last week. I went shopping, I did yoga, I tried to write through the pain. Anything to stop myself from thinking too much, but nothing worked.
Every night I would lie in mine and Darren’s bed, and cry myself to sleep.
Those 12 days couldn’t pass fast enough.
Finally though the time came for me to pack my bags once again, only there was more this time because I had to take all the things Darren had forgotten or wanted as well. They were stupid things like a book or a DVD, even a certain type of sweet that he couldn’t find in Europe. In the end I had about 2 more bags with me than I did went the tour started.
At the airport I had the normal 3 hour wait between check-in and boarding. So I sat in Starbucks sipping coffee, with my laptop on one of their high tables, writing for a couple of hours.
Darren rang about half an hour before my boarding call. He told me that he was thinking of me and that he looking forward to us all arriving in Moscow.
I got onto the plane, settled into my first class, rather comfortable seat, ready for my 16 hour flight from San Francisco International to Moscow, took out my book and started to read.
I had not been sat there 5 minutes when a father and son came and sat down in the 2 seats between me and the aisle. Now I was trapped between the window and a small fat boy, no older than about 10, with a strong American accent. I had a strange feeling of déjà vu. I was suddenly reminded of before I had met Darren, of before Josie had died, of my life only a few years ago. Of that day when I had got onto that plane in London that took me to San Fran for the first time, and that boy I hated so much that I had been forced to sit next to for nearly 12 hours. I had enjoyed that first trip though. I had met the love of my life, someone who had made me truly happy, finally, after so much time looking. Then I began to think about Darren how much meant to me, of how much he means to me, of my new friends, all the people I am surrounded by everyday, of my career, I decided that I was going to start selling my music again, I missed the interaction with other artists, with producers and record labels.
Then I began to think about Darren, and the effect the last three weeks had on him. I wondered how much he had cried over the past few days, how much had he missed me.
But then I remembered why I was one this plane, why I had been forced to go home, San Francisco, my home. I remembered that bathroom, I remembered the other times when dad had tried to get me, I remembered the room I had hidden way in the flat in London. I hated that man. He had destroyed me. He had ruined my life for about 3 years after the first time. I think I would probably had killed myself if Josie hadn’t walked in at that moment. I had so much to thank her for, but I couldn’t, she was gone, gone to a better place.
We had been up in the air for about an hour before I got to read anything.
When everyone went to sleep I began to write some of my thoughts down, to get my life down on to paper in song form. Had a bundle of material by the time we touched down in Moscow.
I collected my bags and headed for the Starbucks where we had arranged to meet.
No one was there. I looked around, but I didn’t see any of the crew, or Leonie, or Darren.
Disappointed I sat down at a table where I could easily be seen.
10 minutes later I was still alone. I grabbed my many bags and headed down to the gate I knew Darren would arrive at.
As soon as I got there I knew something had happened, the gate was in chaos, there were people sat all over the place, there was not a free seat in the entire gate.
I looked up at the arrivals and departures board. Flight 365 from Paris due in at 12:30, where was it? I searched the large board until I found it.
Delayed.
I found the Air France desk and asked how long it would be before the flight got in.
“erm, currontly Madame, we do not know, zere haz been a, um, a emergency at zee airport in Paris, no flights ville be allowed to take off for an hour or zo, we hop zat zee problem vill be resolved quickly.” The flight attendant said, with a really strong French accent.
“So the plane is still in Paris”
“Wee. You are vaiting for someone, non?”
“Yes”
“Zey vill still be at zee gate”
“Thank you”
I moved away from the desk and organised my bags, grabbed my mobile phone from the bottom of my hand bag and dialled Darren’s number.
“Hello” Leonie answered
“Leo, hi, why are you answering Darren’s phone?”
“He’s asleep”
“Oh, ok, well I’ve arrived in Moscow.”
“Good, are you ok?”
“I’m fine. Where are you?”
“We’re still in Paris, and could be for some time. We are the next plane due for take off, but we don’t know went they are going to let us board. They’ve had some kind of security breach in another part of the airport, no one can come in or go out, we’re stranded.”
“Well can you tell me where our hotel is, and I’ll meet you there.”
“Yeah, it the Royal Plaza, tell the reception desk that you are part of the tour party. Have you got your access pass with you?”
“Yeah, its in my hand bag.”
“well show them that. They’ll give you yours and Darren’s room key. OK”
“Right, is Darren still asleep?”
“Yeah, he is sorry, Lizzie”
“Hey, its ok, will you tell him that I’m ok and that I’ll be waiting for him at our hotel”
“Yeah, course I will”
“Thanks Leo, hope to see you soon”
“You to. Bye-bye”
With that I put the phone down, placed it back in my handbag and made my way to the taxi stand.
It wasn’t difficult to get into my hotel. I don’t know if that worried me or not, I think anybody could have walked in at that point, however there was no security yet, the guys were all stuck in Paris, just like Darren.
The hotel was a lonely place. I unpacked, did all the normal things one does went they find themselves in a new hotel, check out the bar, drink half your weight in alcohol, I wish.
It wasn’t too long though, well about 3 hours, until Darren rang to say they had been allowed to board, and should be taking off within the hour.
I couldn’t speak to him for too long because Leonie was yelling that they needed to be on the flight first, and that the longer Darren talked the longer it would take them to get to Moscow.
It was going to take them about 5 hours, he said, for them to get to the hotel, because of the flight and travel between the airport and me, through the rush hour traffic.
It was past eight o’clock before the hotel door opened and Darren walked in.
It was dark in the room, I hadn’t realised how dark, but the door opened and Darren stood there, illuminated from behind, like an angel. His hair stuck out at odd angles, and he carried his laptop in one hand and his flight carry-on bag in the other. His shirt was creased and one of his shoe laces had come undone, but he was beautiful.
As soon as the door opened I leaped off the bed where I had been watching one of the in house movie channels.
We stood, looking at one another across the room, the door still open, his right hand resting on the door handle.
He smiled. The love I saw in those eyes at that moment was enough to make me fall in love with him all over again.
I ran, straight into his arms. He dropped his bags and his arms wound their way around me.
My safe place.
He took a step backwards and looked at me. His smile faded.
“I’ve missed you” he whispered
And I fell back into is embrace.
“missed you too”
We walked back into the room and closed the door.
Darren turned the light on, picked me up and carried me over to the bed, where he laid me down.
He took off his shoes and socks before laying next to me.
“I love you” he said, brushing his hands over my face. “I love you so much. I cannot begin to tell you how much I have missed you over the past few weeks. I have no idea what you have been through, I can’t image how you feel. I just hope this hasn’t changed anything between us. I’m sorry for making you go home.”
“Shh. Darren, stop talking. I don’t want to talk about it yet. I don’t think your ready to hear everything right now, but when the tour is over I will explain. For now just hold me. I missed you.”
He smiled at me, that sort of sorry smile, the comforting, forgiving one. He held me that night, he held me for hours and hours as I cried.
I had missed him so much over that two week period and I never ever wanted to leave his side again. Yet I knew that I had to go back to England alone, to tell the police and explain everything.
When I woke the next morning I was in a strange bed, in a hotel in Moscow, and Darren was nowhere to be seen.
I got up, walked around our suite, he’d gone, or was he ever really there? I was suddenly very scared. I didn’t know at that point if the conversation I had had the night before had just been in my head, if Darren hadn’t arrived in Moscow, was he still in Paris? I looked at the clock, 9:38 am, Darren would have left for the venue normally now, but his first performance here wasn’t until the night after. I looked around for a note, and found none.
Where the hell had he gone.
I tried Leonie’s phone, but I was connected straight to her answer phone. I rang down to reception to ask if they actually had arrived yet.
The woman on the desk was very helpful. She said that Darren had come down at about 7 am followed by a dark haired woman, who I assume was Leonie, and that he was crying when he left.
I had to contact him. I had to make sure he was ok. I didn’t know whey he had left, he hadn’t said anything, he hadn’t left a note.
I sat back on my bed and out my head in my hands, what was I going to do now?
I grabbed my mobile from my bag and hit the AutoDial for Darren’s number. It rang and rang and rang until Leonie picked up
“Hello, Darren’s phone, how can I help you”
“Leo, its Lizzie, where are you? Where’s Darren? Why isn’t he here? Where was he when I woke up? Why was he crying when he left the hotel? Why are you answering his phone? What’s happening?” I asked all at once
“Lizzie, calm down, We’re at Starbucks having a coffee, Darren had some things on his mind that he wanted to talk to me about, he wasn’t crying when he left the hotel, who told you that? He’s fine. Don’t worry. We’ll be back soon” she said in her usual calm way.
“Calm down! Calm down” I screamed, “Why wasn’t he with me this morning? Why couldn’t he talk to me? I am his wife!”
“Lizzie, please, calm down, we’ll be back in a minute, don’t worry, Darren’s fine”
“I don’t care whether he’s fine or not, I need him here, now”
“All right Lizzie, see you later” and with that she put the phone down.
I began to feel the beginnings of a headache coming on so I grabbed my pills of my bag and downed about 3 at once.
It wasn’t long before Darren strode into the room.
“Where were you?” I yelled
“Babe I’m sorry. I had some stuff to discuss with Leo, you know how it is with the tour and everything at the moment”
“You could have at least left a note” I could have murdered someone I was so angry.
“Baby please, calm down, everything’s ok, I’m here now. I’m here. I’m here” he held me rocking back and forward. “Don’t yell, you’ll give yourself a headache. Everything’s ok”
“I’ve already got one” I murmured
“Have you taken your medicine” He talked to me as you would a child
“Yes” I said, annoyed at his tone
“Babe, you’re so tense, come on, lay down, on your stomach. That’s it”
I did as I was told
He straddled my hips and began massaging my shoulders, and back, and neck, it was wonderful. Darren’s massages were always amazing. He held the power to calm and relax me in those hands. It was fantastic.
“Is your headache still there?” he asked, softly
“Yeah”
“Where is the pain?”
I pointed to the spot on my head, “But inside”
“Calm down, and lay quietly for a bit” he said, holding my close in his arms once more.
That night Darren took me out of a meal at a restaurant in central Moscow. It was nice, but nothing like eating out in London or Australia or at home. It was romantic though.
When we got back to the hotel we laid on the bed, and Darren asked the inevitable question
“When do you think you’ll want to have sex again babe?” and he asked, just like that, it came out of nowhere, that blunt, straight to the point, just like that.
“I don’t know. Not yet. Not for a while. No, not yet. What he did to me, changed my live forever, it’s, changed my whole outlook on life, and I don’t think I can do anything even remotely like that for a while yet.
Do you remember on the first night of our honeymoon, and I had that flash back. I don’t want that happening again any time soon. You don’t mind do you babe?”
“No. It’s ok. I understand.” He paused. “Actually, no I don’t understand. I’m trying to, you know, but I just can’t get my head round what he did to you. Why? How could anyone do that to anybody, let alone their own child?”
“You think I haven’t asked myself these questions. I would love to know. Which is why, I’m, I’m” I began to really struggle. “When the tour is over I’m going do go back to London and tell the police and stuff”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really know if I can do it. It’ll mean going through a trail and everything, and I don’t know if I can drag myself through that pain”
“I’ll be there with you, you know that don’t you, I’m with you every step of the way, no matter how long this takes we will put that man behind bars. As well though, it doesn’t matter what happens I’ll always be with you, just the same as you’ll be with me, because we have a special connection you and I, similar to the one I had with Daniel, the difference is though that this time its going to last forever, no matter where we are, no matter how far apart we are, we are together always. Just like you are with your mum, we’re together forever.”
The tour continued slowly, around the world. There were 2 dates in Moscow, 1 in Helsinki, 3 in Japan. There were pauses lasting several days between each country though. One day for travel and a couple of others for sightseeing and promotion.
Eventually however the last night of the tour arrived, Nagoya, Japan. I don’t remember liking Japan that much, I didn’t like not being able to understand what people were talking about, even in countries that didn’t speak English I could usually get the general idea of what they were trying to say, not in Japan. The Japanese language is a whole different ball game, and I found it really hard. Darren can say the basic words in Japanese, you know, ‘Hello, I’m Darren Hayes’, ‘Thank you’ and ‘Goodbye’, that sort of thing, however I couldn’t even grasp that. I found it so hard, there were members of the tour who were fluent, I could see I was never going to be one of them, not now, not ever; this language is too damn hard!
Darren went though the usually pre-show day, get up, eat breakfast while being briefed by Leonie on how to behave, what to say, and most importantly where they were going and what shows they would be on, plus what they were about. Then do several interviews at different radio and TV stations dotted across the city. Eat lunch on the way to the venue, meet me there. Do sound check if necessary. Relax for a couple of hours, do some yoga, warm up etc. etc.
I took a more leisurely approach to show days. I’d get up with Darren and eat breakfast with him and Leo. I never said anything, I couldn’t have got a word in edge wise even if I tried, but I sat there, with them, one of those few points of the day where I could just look at him. I could have just sat and looked at him for ages, ages and ages. Then, after breakfast I’d usually check my emails and get some writing done. I loved writing on the road. There’s so much inspiration, the new sights and sounds, the new experiences and fun times. At about 11 I’d have a look around the local shops get anything we needed, sore throat sweets usually, or lip balm, that sort of thing, never anything big, just normal everyday sort of stuff. On that last day though I bought I huge box of chocolates and a couple of bottles of wine.
I arrived at the venue later than Darren as usual, Leonie let me in and I headed to Darren’s dressing room, carrying my new purchases.
We ate lunch together that day, us and all the crew, drivers, roadies, sound engineers, band members, everyone, all around about 3 large tables, eating the last lot of chicken and rice for a while.
“I’m looking forward to getting home” Angi laughed, “not that I don’t enjoy being on the road with you lot!”
“I’m going to miss it” and “What will we all do when we get home” were things that I think everyone said at least once. They were right though, I had no idea what we were going to do when we got home, nor did I know what we would be doing next week, I wasn’t even sure if we were going straight home, or if we were stopping off in London first.
After lunch, we had a bit of chill out down time, time Darren used to do yoga, listen to music, time we had to talk.
“What are we going to do when you finish tonight?” I asked
“Party!” Darren yelled, big kid again suddenly, he had big kid moments where he’d yell and giggle, “We’re going into the city centre to a couple of bars and a club I think”
“Ok” I replied, I sort of knew that anyway, it was a sort of given. The amount of stories of post tour parties I’d heard from bands I used to work with and for was uncountable. “What I we doing tomorrow?”
“Well, um, our flight is tomorrow afternoon, so we have the morning to recover from tonight!”
“Ok, are we going home” I asked, feeling like a small child asking daddy silly questions
“We’re booked onto a flight to London. I think we should spend a couple of days there, you know, you haven’t been back since, well, then, so I though, that, erm, we should see, er, if you could, because I think you should, erm, tell the, police, what happened, that night.”
I couldn’t speak, the shock, the anger, the hatred, the fear, running though my veins, I didn’t trust myself to speak without killing him. How dare he, how dare he book a flight to London without telling me, how could he, he knew how much even the thought of going back terrified me. I wanted to go back to London, to tell the police, to sort stuff out, but I wanted to do it in my own time.
I felt a pair of warm loving arms, pull me into my safe place, my anger began to ebb away.
“Baby, it’s ok, I’ll be with you every step of the way, every moment, I wont leave you alone in London, in England, ever, I’ll be stuck to you like glue”
I began to giggle. “I’m sticking with you, cos you’re made out of glue” I began to sing madly, giggling the whole time.
That was the thing about Darren he had the ability to make me smile, to cheer me up, to get me though the worst times. I regret leaving the tour, I always will, I should have stayed, made him hold me thought the night, that would have got me though it, instead of going home, back to San Francisco for 10 days. Until it all happened I didn’t truly realise how much I needed him, and how much he needed me
As we stood there in the middle of his dressing room I began to feel another headache coming on, I’d taken all my pills and everything. The pain confused me, the pills meant I shouldn’t have headaches, but here it was the second in two days.
I screwed up my face, hoping it would go away. The pain was unbearable, like someone was hitting the back of my head with a large mallet while a large group of tiny men prodded the inside of my brain with needles, and other sharp objects, and to top it all off there was the underlying dull ache.
“What’s wrong honey?” Darren asked, holding me at arms length, studying my face, my body language. He knew something was seriously wrong, and somewhere, deep down, so did I.
“Headache” I spluttered, trying my hardest not to cry. I just felt like crumpling onto the floor and curling up into a tiny ball, tucking my head into my folded legs, wrapping my arms around my legs and crying until the stars fell from the sky.
“Have you taken all your medicine?” Darren asked in the nicest, nagging voice as he could manage.
“Yes!” I screamed, “Of course I have” I began to hit my hands against his chest, as hard as I could, trying to give him the idea of how I was feeling, but I don’t think I even came close, I don’t think he will ever know the pain I felt from that headache and the ones that followed.
He got me seated on the couch, and I curled up into my desired ball shape.
Leonie walked in a few moments later telling Darren that he needed to start getting ready.
I really wanted to see this last gig, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand the noise.
Darren told Leonie about my head, and she sat with me thought the gig. As soon as Darren came off stage I grabbed him and refused to let him go, even though he smelt, he was all sweaty I would not let him go, he was my life line, the thing that was going to get me though this pain.
Leonie suggested we went to the hospital, so as soon as the crowds dyed down, we made our way to the local hospital armed with 2 bodyguards and a translator.
As we sat in the tiny waiting room, my headache began to take over, I began to loose track of where I was, I just held on to Darren and hoped it would go away.
Soon though we were called into a tiny cubical, containing a hospital bed and a few very old pieces of hospital equipment.
Darren sat me down on the bed and held me as the doctor asked question after question about me, why I was in Moscow, when my headaches started, what I was taking for them etc.
He sent me to the x-ray department where did a CAT scan of my head. When we got back to the Emergency Room the doctor already had the results, and it wasn’t good news.
“You have a tumour on the brain, this is pushing on the part of your brain used for sight, this is why you have been having headaches.” He said, translated for us by, Paul, our translator.
“What does it mean? Can it be removed? What’s going to happen to Lizzie?” Darren asked
“She will go blind, um, and there is very little chance it can be removed”
Darren began to cry, he held me tightly and sobbed, “I can’t loose you Lizzie, I love you too much, please don’t leave me”
“Hey” I said, I don’t know if it was just because it hadn’t quite clicked yet, or that I’d had already accepted the fact that I was going to go blind, but I didn’t cry, “It’s ok, everything’s going to be ok.” I turned to the doctor and asked, “Can I fly home?”
“Yes, but we will have to provide you with a flight nurse, who will accompany you home on the plane.”
It was beginning to look as if going to London to speak to the police was out.
MORE COMING SOON.
FAN FICTON
© 2004 HWilks Savagewriting